About Last Weekend: Mile-High Manning

Peyton ManningIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Peyton Manning threw his first two touchdowns as a Bronco, and the 400th and 401st of his career, in a 31-19 victory over the Steelers. After the game, Peyton received a phone call from someone with a high-pitched voice saying, “Ooooh, mister, you look so sexy in orange. You are like a big stupid carrot.” Peyton’s face clouded over. “Cut it out, Eli, you little dingus, or I’ll tell dad!” he screamed, drawing stares from his teammates.
  • Serena Williams survived a spirited challenge from Victoria Azarenka to win her fourth U.S. Open title, 6-2, 2-6, 7-5. Witnesses reported that zany tennis father Richard Williams celebrated by walking through Times Square naked except for a sandwich board that read, confusingly, “The Armageddon Mustache.”
  • Robert Griffin III threw for 320 yards and two touchdowns in his NFL debut, leading the Redskins to a 40-32 win over the Saints. “We were going to try to knock him down, or something,” said a Saints defender who asked to remain anonymous, “but without getting any extra money for it, what’s the point?”
  • After losing 34-31 in overtime to unheralded Louisiana-Monroe, the Arkansas Razorbacks took the second-largest drop in AP poll history, falling from no. 8 to unranked. While the defense looked solid for long stretches, Arkansas QB Jessica Dorrell struggled, going 1-17 with 12 interceptions and six fumbles before being replaced late in the fourth quarter.
  • Rory McIlroy continued his hot streak with a final round 67 that secured the BMW Championship over Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods. Unfortunately for McIlroy, his mother dressed him in a sailor suit for the final round, and he was mocked throughout by drunken golf bully John Daly.
  • A day after being cheated out of a chance to win by umpire Jerry “Happy” Meals, the Yankees used Curtis Granderson’s big day to rout the Orioles 13-3, earn a series split, and maintain a one-game lead in the AL East. Meals wouldn’t own up to his mistake after Saturday’s game, but he would make a prediction that John McCain would beat Dukakis in a landslide whenever the election happened.
  • Barry Zito threw 6.1 scoreless innings as the Giants extended their lead in the NL West to 5.5 games with a critical 4-0 win over the Dodgers. “You alllwan me a fightim?” asked Josh Beckett, beer streaming down his chest during the sixth inning. “Who?” his teammates asked, and Beckett responded by stumbling backward into the bat rack and laughing hysterically as they crashed around him.
  • Oregon State earned one of its biggest non-conference wins in school history, shutting down Montee Ball and the no. 13 Wisconsin Badgers 10-7. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “HEY GUYS, GREAT NEWS I LEARNED TO TYPE A LOWERCASE LETTER. CHECK IT OUT: #.” Terrence, that’s not a lowercase letter. It’s a pound sign. “IT IS A LOWERCASE POUND SIGN YOU DIRT-EATING IDIOT. I LEARNED TO DO IT FROM AN ANOTHER ROBOT.” Look Terrence, if you can really type in lowercase letters, prove it with something other than a pound sign. “$.” Okay, again, that’s not a — “&^%@.”
  • Clint Bowyer held on despite multiple rain delays to win at Richmond International Speedway, while Jeff Gordon’s gutsy second-place finish after a rough start earned him a spot in the Sprint Cup Chase. In the post-race interview, Gordon credited the self-help book The Power of Now for inspiring him to the win, and was subsequently beat up by a horde of NASCAR drivers and fans for reading.
  • Mark Sanchez threw for 266 yards and three touchdowns as the Jets offense exploded for a 48-28 win over the Bills. In the shower after the game, Tim Tebow confronted Sanchez. “I know who you are, Satan!” he said, his body shaking in terror. “Look, Tim, you have to stop —” began a weary Sanchez, but Tebow began hissing and backing away with his hands in a cross formation. “Ssssssss! Sssssssss!”

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Baltimore Orioles, Denver Broncos, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mark Sanchez, Nascar, New Orleans Saints, New York Jets, New York Yankees, Peyton Manning, Pittsburgh Steelers, Robert Griffin III, San Francisco Giants, Serena Williams, Tim Tebow, U.S. Open, Washington Redskins

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere