About Last Weekend: LeBron Reminds Everyone He Is LeBron

In case you were busy ironing all of your white pants, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

  • LeBron James set up shop in the post as the Miami Heat had a 70-point first half en route to a comfortable 114-96 win over the Indiana Pacers as they took a 2-1 Eastern Conference finals lead. Chris “Birdman” Andersen, who continued his stellar play in the series, going 4-for-4 from the field while scoring nine points and hauling in nine rebounds in limited minutes, said after the game, “I feel like no one takes me seriously. Sure I have a lot of tattoos, and a Mohawk, and crazy eyes, and by ‘no one takes me seriously’ I mean no one wants to join me after the season at the cliffs of Dover to see if the Birdman can fly, but caw! Caw caw!” When asked why he was cawing, Andersen replied, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I was too busy caw cawing.”
  • Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs are one game away from the NBA Finals after beating the Memphis Grizzlies, 104-93, in overtime. Duncan chalked the win up to “playing slightly better basketball than our opponent.” When asked to elaborate, Duncan added, “Over the course of the game we scored more points, which is how wins and losses are decided in basketball. Additionally, winning feels good, so we pursue that through playing the game well.” When asked if there was anything he wanted to add on a personal level, Duncan said, “Well, I am a person, if that’s what you mean. I suppose I could add that I am alive, I went to college, and I have a job as a basketball man.” When asked if he had had any interesting thought in the past 15 years, Duncan said, “I saw a cloud once, and a friend I was with said it looked like a lion, but I corrected him explaining it was an altocumulus … hey where are you going? I also know things about stamps and actuarial tables.”
  • The Los Angeles Kings and San Jose Sharks will be going to a Game 7 in their Western Conference semifinal after the Sharks protected home ice with a hotly contested 2-1 win. When asked about their strong home-ice advantage at HP Pavilion, Sharks center Joe Thornton said, “When you play at HP, you play for HP, and you do not want to let CEO Meg Whitman down. Did you know that she ran eBay? The eBay? She is a businesswoman, and if there’s one thing that a shark respects it’s a metaphorical shark.”
  • In his 12th attempt, Tony Kanaan finally tasted victory at Indianapolis Motor Speedway, winning the Indianapolis 500. “I have literally never tasted milk before today,” Kanaan said after the race as he drank the traditional winner’s milk, his brittle bones collapsing under the weight of his own muscles. “And I must say, it’s just OK, and avoiding milk for this moment was totally not worth the horrifying effects of calcium deficiency through which my body is currently suffering.”
  • Angel Pagan recorded MLB’s first walk-off inside-the-park home run since 2004 as the San Francisco Giants beat the Colorado Rockies, 6-5, on Saturday. “I have literally never tasted milk before today,” Pagan said after the game as he drank a carton of milk, before adding, “oh, wait, this is milk? I’ve had this before, literally hundreds of times. Man, I don’t know what I was thinking. Yeah, this is the stuff that makes my bones strong. Good stuff. Milk.”
  • Bayern Munich got an 89th-minute goal from Arjen Robben to clinch the UEFA Champions League title, 2-1, over Borussia Dortmund at London’s Wembley Stadium. “I want to say that Margaret Thatcher did a lot of great things for Europe, and I mourn her death,” Robben said after the match, before adding in his patented cut to the left, “but the modern English conservative move toward austerity hurts their economy and Europe as a whole.” Robben then fired wildly over the bar demanding that the English ditch their currency and join the Euro, before looking angrily at his teammates for not having his back.
  • Quarterback Everett Golson has been suspended for Notre Dame’s fall term, citing “poor academic judgment” as the reason for his suspension. This is notable primarily because it continues the Notre Dame football team’s run of scandals that seem like things that happen to normal college students: first a fake girlfriend, now an academic honor code violation. Meanwhile, Notre Dame’s BCS Championship opponent is dealing with a rash of students illegally consuming liquefied deer antlers in order to get an edge on the football field, which only ever happened to me once in college in an incident that is best never spoken of again.
  • Former Utah Jazz and Phoenix Suns guard Jeff Hornacek has signed on to become the Suns head coach. Hornacek, perhaps best known for rubbing his face while shooting free throws as a way of saying hello to his children while playing on the road, has promised to introduce a similar array of gestures as a head coach. “Every time I want to say, ‘Hello kids, I have total respect for you and your life choices,’ I’ll form my hands into a ‘T,’ which stands for total.” When told that was perhaps a bad idea as the ‘T’ gesture stands for timeout, Hornacek added, “Easy fix. I’ll just touch both of my shoulders with my fingertips, making a big infinity symbol with my head in the middle to say, ‘Hello kids, I have infinite respect for you and your life choices.’”

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Bayern Munich, Colorado Rockies, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James, Los Angeles Kings, Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat, Notre Dame, San Antonio Spurs, San Francisco Giants, San Jose Sharks, Tim Duncan

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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