About Last Weekend: Fortnight Finale
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.
- Roger Federer defeated local hero Andy Murray in four sets to win his seventh Wimbledon title, tying Pete Sampras’s record for the most all-time titles. But the champion angered the crowd during Murray’s emotional post-match speech when he kept leaning over with a dumb grin and urging Murray to “do the Braveheart monologue.” Murray ignored him the best he could, but as he choked up while thanking the crowd, Federer could be heard off camera shouting “freeedoommmm!” and giggling.
- Serena Williams won the women’s Wimbledon title, her fifth, defeating Agnieszka Radwanska in three sets. “Thank God,” said the trophy engraver, earning several laughs in the trophy engraving room. “Why are they laughing?” he thought to himself. “Do they know I was once dumped by a woman named Agnieszka?”
- Ivan Nova struck out 10 over six solid innings and Andruw Jones hit his fourth homer in three games as the Yankees beat the Red Sox 7-3 to win the weekend series. In the dugout immediately after the game, Red Sox owner John Henry confronted manager Bobby Valentine, telling him that the loss was serious, and that he shouldn’t do his Kermit the Frog impression at the press conference. “My what?” asked Valentine, to which an enraged Henry screamed, “STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!”
- After Mark Teixeira accused former teammate and current Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla of “head-hunting,” Padilla fired back, saying Teixeira would be “better off playing a women’s sport.” He then went on to accuse Teixeira of prejudice against Latin players, and affirmed his earlier stance, saying “we don’t need no women playing baseball.” When told of Padilla’s remarks, noted cross-dresser Kevin Youkilis gasped. “I don’t even know where to begin,” he said.
- Despite injuries to players like Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, and Dwyane Wade, Coach K said that the 2012 Olympic basketball team could be even better than the 2008 version. He then shifted to one side like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, becoming Coach K in 2008, and said, “how can you do better than a gold medal?” Coach K then jumped back to the 2012 version of himself, winked at reporters, and said, “they instituted a new platinum medal for 2012.” Coach K from 2008 considered this for a moment, said “oh,” and began to cry, embarrassing the hell out of Coach K from 2012.
- Justin Verlander, who went 9-5 with a 2.58 ERA, will be the American League starter in Tueday’s All-Star Game in Kansas City. It’s time for the daily joke from Terrence, the Grantland Robot who is training to take our jobs but who hasn’t learned to type in lowercase letters: I’M SORRY, BUT SHOULDN’T THE ALL-STAR GAME STARTER BE THE GUY WITH THE MOST WINS? (The robot community is famously intolerant of advanced statistics.)
- Andrew McCutchen finished a scorching first half with two home runs (upping his league-leading batting average to .362) as the Pirates routed the Giants 13-2 and retained first place in the NL Central going into the break. This is the first time Pittsburgh has led the division at the halfway point since 1694, when the team was made up of actual pirates and the “division” was the ocean, and “baseball” was finding horrible ways to kill British sailors.
- Ryan Dempster upped his scoreless inning streak to 27, the most by a Cub since 1971, in a 7-0 win over the Mets. The insular Cubs, famously suspicious of anyone who tries to rise above their station, refused to speak to Dempster after the game, instead retreating to their grass huts to chew on wheat stalks and pray to their 37 gods.
- PGA Tour rookie Ted Potter Jr. won the first event of his career, beating Troy Kelly in a playoff to win the Greenbrier Classic. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Ted Potter Jr. is the love child of Ted Ginn Jr. and Beatrix Potter.
- Tony Stewart passed Matt Kenseth on the final lap at Daytona to win his fourth Coke Zero 400. Too bad there was no driver named Jack Daniels, because that’s the only way you’d find me anywhere near Coke Zero. Am I right, bro-bros? Where my bro-bros at? Let’s hear it from the bro-bro birds. Can I get a little bro-bro love from the bro-zone layer? Anybody else really love milk?
- Sources close to the process are reporting that the Cavaliers could help the Brooklyn Nets land Dwight Howard in a three-team trade with Orlando. The only obstacle that remains is convincing Orlando to accept Cleveland’s primary offering: a garbage barge with a dead body on the deck, circled by 300 diseased pigeons.