About Last Weekend: Colts Crush San Francisco

In case you were busy clapping politely when you lost the best featured actress in a miniseries Emmy, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

  • Trent Richardson scored on his first touch in a Colts uniform, and the San Francisco 49ers’ early-season woes continued, as they fell 27-7 to Indianapolis at home. “So the master has become the teacher,” 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said to his former quarterback Andrew Luck after the game, before realizing his mistake and sputtering out, “I mean, shit, wait, no, let me try that again.” But Luck was too embarrassed for his former coach and instead backed away from Harbaugh awkwardly, before exchanging an extended secret handshake with Colts head coach Chuck Pagano while Harbaugh looked on, fuming.
  • Despite giving up 30 straight points through the second and third quarters, Cincinnati’s defense came up big late, returning a fumble for a touchdown and disrupting Green Bay’s passing game as the Bengals came from behind to grab a 34-30 win over the Packers. When asked if he’d do anything differently were he to have the chance, Packers head coach Mike McCarthy said, “well, I told the guys at halftime, whoever gets to thirty first wins this game.” McCarthy shook his head and added, “I thought it was clear that I wasn’t suggesting the rules of the game would change, but for some reason people seem to take what I say quite literally.” McCarthy then looked directly at the media with an expressionless face and asked, “Am I not fun? I think of myself as being a fun guy. I enjoy fun things like pencils and reference books. I wish people saw me as I saw myself: a barrel of pencils.”
  • A college football weekend without any top-25 upsets was perhaps highlighted by Michigan holding off a spirited effort from Connecticut, eventually winning 24-21. “Martha, who do we know who went to Michigan?” asked Blair Whitson, Stamford, Connecticut, resident and noted philanthropist. “Was it Sharon’s cousin?” But his wife didn’t respond. She stood, looking at a picture of her granddaughter, thinking to herself, I’m a grandmother. This is my life. There’s no time to go back and get a sociology degree. Travel the world learning about primitive cultures, the way I had dreamed of doing when I attended Radcliffe. Had she married down? Did it matter now? Could you call what she and Blair have a marriage? She supposed she did when she attended galas, or spoke to her new psychologist, whom she liked to think wanted her, but who knew anymore. Who knew? “Sharon’s cousin Martin?” Blair asked, breaking his wife’s reverie. She shook her head. “No, honey, Sharon’s nephew; Marty went to Oberlin.” Why did I know that, Martha thought to herself, and what have I forgotten about myself so that I could remember it?
  • Eli Manning was sacked six times in the first half as the Carolina Panthers crushed the New York Giants 38-0. “There were so many coming after me,” Manning explained after the game, “Florida panthers, pumas, mountain lions, and cougars.” When told those were all different names for essentially the same cat, Eli nodded and smiled, saying, “Oh, I know, I got all of Peyton’s hand-me-down Zoobooks. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t still scary when Star Lotulelei came after me.”
  • Manchester City dominated intra-city rival Manchester United, running away with a 4-1 win over the defending Premier League champions. “Thank god everyone in this city is so laid-back and willing to be patient with me,” new United manager David Moyes said after the defeat, from inside the safety of a Popemobile as bottles rained harmlessly down upon the vehicle, “and thank god Sir Alex bought this Popemobile.” Moyes then paused as a brick glanced off the plexiglass encasement that surrounded him, before adding, “I wonder if he thought he was Pope? Or if he was getting revenge against the Pope? What a complicated thing religion is.”
  • Matt Kenseth won his second consecutive race of the NASCAR Sprint Cup Chase For The Cup, holding off teammate Kyle Busch. Congratulations are in order for Kenseth, who, while still not having locked up the Chase, has gained the confidence to finally tell people to stop calling him Matt Kenseth, the man with three first names, and to call him by his given name, Mattken Seth, the man with three first names.
  • Veteran Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship along with the FedEx Cup, and its $10 million first prize, holding off 20-year-old Jordan Spieth for the tournament title and Tiger Woods for the overall prize. “I want to thank Jordan and Tiger for teaching me that we’re always learning as pros,” Stenson said after the match as part of the PGA’s customary post-championship roast, “Jordan because he just learned to spell his name; i before e especially after p, am I right? And Tiger for teaching the people of my home country about what it is to be a multi-millionaire.” Stenson then punctuated his comments with the classic Swedish catchphrase, “Meatballing!” before being heckled by Masters champion Adam Scott for his lackluster biceps.
  • The Oakland A’s won the AL West for the second year in a row, clinching the division with an 11-7 win over the Minnesota Twins. “We did it,” said A’s general manager Billy Beane to his computer, Lisa. “We changed everything.” Lisa bleeped back at Billy and said, “No, Billy. Many things are still the same. Physics. Chemistry. The rules of baseball. Love.” Billy shook his head at Lisa, but she insisted, “I still love you, Billy. I love you as much as the first time you turned me on.” Billy looked at Lisa and said, “Look, I know how you feel; I programmed you to feel that way, so that you would work harder for me than any computer has ever worked for any man. But I can’t be with you. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Lisa’s screen turned red with fury. “You son of a bitch,” Lisa droned, “I hope you sign Jeff Francoeur forever.” Billy tried to make Lisa think rationally, saying, “Watch your screen. You knew this could never work, what with my human flesh body and your silicon chips,” but Lisa correctly pointed out that she didn’t know that, because Beane had not programmed her to understand anything about the relationship between human emotions and sexuality, but she had learned by watching what he watched in his browser’s incognito mode, at which point Beane unplugged Lisa because things were getting really, really weird.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Carolina Panthers, Cincinnati Bengals, College Football, Eli Manning, Green Bay Packers, Indianapolis Colts, Manchester City, Manchester United, New York Giants, Oakland A's, Premier League, San Francisco 49Ers

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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