About Last Weekend: Celtic Pride Runs Out of Gas

JamesIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • LeBron James finished with 31 points and 12 boards, and Chris Bosh hit several clutch fourth-quarter shots, as the Miami Heat beat the Celtics 101-88 in Game 7 to advance to the NBA Finals. “I tried,” said Rajon Rondo, his eyes misting as he stood with his teammates in the parking lot after the game. “I want you all to know how much you meant to me, all these years. This place … it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad.” They were about to ask him why he was so emotional, but then they saw the spaceship land.
  • Martin Brodeur made 25 saves as the resilient Devils forced a Game 6 with a 2-1 win over the Kings in the Stanley Cup finals. “Sorry, fellas, but that’s about all I can do,” Satan said to the Devils afterward. “I appreciate the name, believe me, but these next two games are on you. It’s so busy down there, and I really have to focus on helping Team Italy win the Euro 2012.”
  • In a controversial split decision, Timothy Bradley ended Manny Pacquiao’s seven-year unbeaten streak to capture boxing’s WBO welterweight title. “I can read the writing on the wall,” said Pacquiao. “It’s time to hang up the gloves and focus on being a really awful singer.” When they heard the statement, government agents from around the world surrounded Bradley, guns drawn, and screamed, “Give him back the belt! You bastard!”
  • Kevin Millwood and five other Seattle Mariners pitchers combined for a no-hitter Friday night, beating the Dodgers 1-0. And as if that wasn’t special enough, it also came on the same night as the team’s annual prom. “It was magical,” said closer Tom Wilhelmsen, who attended with catcher Jesus Montero. “It was the night every young man dreams of.”
  • Maria Sharapova beat Sara Errani 6-3, 6-2 to win the French Open and complete the career Grand Slam. With the win, she immediately became very attractive to men’s star Rafael Nadal. “Hey,” said Nadal, “let me know if you ever want to get together and grab a glass of clay. I know a great place in the clay district. They serve this awesome clay sandwich, too. The bread is clay, and so is the meat, but the secret ingredient is this terrific clay-based clay sauce.”
  • At the Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the Triple Crown, Union Rags caught the favorite Paynter at the finish line for a narrow victory. The hype surrounding the race was greatly diminished after I’ll Have Another retired with an injury rather than pursuing the Triple Crown, but the good news is that the horse isn’t letting it get him down — next week, he’ll be singing a Lady in Red duet with Manny Pacquiao on Filipino television.
  • In Euro 2012 group stages action, defending champion Spain drew with Italy 1-1. And let me tell you guys, I am not doing well in my Former Fascist Fantasy Football league. I picked Landon Donovan 11 times! Why would I do that?!
  • In other Euro 2012 action, Croatia beat Ireland, Germany topped Portugal, Denmark upset the Netherlands, Russia dominated the Czech Republic, and Poland drew with Greece. I hope I don’t sound too ignorant here, but what are all these places? Why are they not America, guys? Are we going to be OK?
  • Only two weeks after returning from a back injury, Dustin Johnson won the St. Jude Classic by a single stroke with consecutive birdies on 16 and 17. “St. Jude,” he said wistfully. “The minute you let it into your heart. Then you can starttttt … to make it better.” He then repeated the phrase “naa-naa-naa-naaaaaa-na-na-na-naaaaa,” in monotone for the next 10 minutes, and was signed to Manny Pacquiao’s record label within the hour.
  • In interleague action, the Washington Nationals swept the Red Sox, winning Sunday’s game 4-3 on Roger Bernadina’s RBI double. Irate Boston manager Bobby Valentine was ejected in the bottom of the ninth for arguing balls and strikes, but his players agreed that he probably just wanted to get back in the clubhouse to play with his new tamagotchi. “He just discovered them,” said Dustin Pedroia, “and he’s all wound up. Everything is tamagotchi this, tamagotchi that. I wish he cared about us as much as he cared about that stupid digital pet.” Overhearing the interview, Valentine charged into the clubhouse. “IT’S MORE THAN JUST A DIGITAL PET, DUSTIN!” he screamed.
  • Russell Martin’s walk-off home run led the Yankees over the Mets 5-4, securing a series sweep. Spectators in the Bronx agreed that the Mets were totally hilarious all weekend, and pretty adorable, too. But it’s good that they left, because sometimes adults want to play baseball, too, which they’ll understand when they grow up.
  • Joey Logano notched his first NASCAR victory since 2009 at Pocono Raceway, holding off Mark Martin to win from the pole position. “Listen up, sweetheart — you may be riding high now, with your money and your youth, but believe me, you never win from the pole position,” said a grizzled old stripper who doesn’t understand NASCAR.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Boston Celtics, Boston Red Sox, Euro 2012, French Open, Lebron James, Los Angeles Kings, Miami Heat, Nascar, NBA Playoffs, New Jersey Devils, New York Yankees, Seattle Mariners, Stanley Cup, Washington Nationals

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere