About Last Night: Your Bracket Just Got Orange’d

In case you were busy waiting in line at a food truck for what turned out to be not the best pork buns you’ve ever eaten, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • Syracuse rode a dominant defensive effort into the Elite Eight, upsetting the Indiana Hoosiers, 61-50. “It’s a disappointing loss for sure, but we can hold our heads up knowing we went down to one of the best coaches of all time in Jim Boeheim,” said Indiana head coach Tom Crean after the game. However, Crean was apparently unaware that Syracuse had replaced Boeheim two years ago with a VHS tape of alumnus Jerry Stiller yelling, “2-3! 2-3! Rotate! Rotate! Come on, boys, get it together,” playing on a loop on the sideline.
  • Marquette continued its impressive tournament run, as Buzz Williams’s Golden Eagles knocked out Miami, 71-61. This marks Marquette’s first appearance in the Elite Eight since 2003, which means it’s time for About Last Night’s newest feature: “What Ever Happened To … ” For our first “What Ever Happened To … ” we’re going to look at former Marquette star Dwyane Wade, who led his team to the 2003 Final Four. It turns out that Wade has been playing basketball professionally with the Miami Heat since his college days. Thus concludes our first episode of “What Ever Happened To … ” If you have an idea for a long-lost star who you want to track down, leave his or her name in the comments, and we’ll look into it for you.
  • Wichita State ran past the La Salle Explorers, 72-58 to book an unlikely spot in the Elite Eight. “It’s weird, but I’m a little disappointed,” said Shockers senior Malcolm Armstead, “We keep wanting to say, ‘We shocked the world,’ but we keep drawing teams that aren’t any better than us. ‘Slightly readjust the world’s expectations’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
  • LaQuinton Ross knocked down a late 3-pointer to push Ohio State past Arizona, 73-70. “People said this was a weak region, and we would get through it with ease, but I think we’ve proved them wrong,” said Ohio State coach Thad Matta after the game. “I mean, Iowa State, Arizona, Iona, now Wichita State; can you imagine a tougher path to the Final Four? Can you?”
  • Larry Sanders had 21 points and 13 rebounds for the Milwaukee Bucks, who handled the Los Angeles Lakers at home, 113-103. Before the game, Lakers center Dwight Howard told Sanders, “I love your comedy show man, very funny.” After Sanders laughed him off, Howard insisted, “No, seriously. I love it. I’m a comedian, too. Here, check this out. This is my impression of a cactus.” Howard then started poking Sanders, before laughing so hard he fell over. After gathering himself and getting back on his feet, Howard asked a stone-faced Sanders, “So, can I be on your show?”
  • The Indiana Pacers dealt the Mavericks a crucial loss in their attempt to get back into playoff contention, blowing them out in Dallas, 103-78. The loss also kept the Mavericks from reaching .500, meaning that players on the team who had committed to keep their beards until the team had a winning record were unable to shave. When asked if he was disappointed he had to keep wearing his beard, Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki replied, “Look, don’t tell anyone, but I got a weird rash under this thing, so according to my dermatologist, we’re not going to get back to .500 for at least another 10-14 days.”
  • Sidney Crosby had two assists, and Pittsburgh stretched its winning streak to 14 games with a comfortable 4-0 win over the Winnipeg Jets. “That was pretty bad,” said Winnipeg Jets coach Claude Noel, “but at least it was better than our last matchup with the Sharks.” Noel then looked into the distance and whispered, “Tony,” in an apparent reference to injured defenseman Anthony Peluso.
  • D.A. Points jumped out to an early lead at the Houston Open after carding an 8-under 64. When asked how he would handle the pressure of holding onto the lead, Points said, “Oh, it’s nothing compared to my day job. You ever try to cut a plea bargain with a guy you know dealt drugs to kids, so you can bring down the guy who’s supplying him? I’m talking 10-year-old kids. That stays with you. Sixteen-foot, left-to-right breaker is nothing.”
  • Injured Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be making more than the entire Houston Astros payroll in 2013, according to an AP study of contracts for the upcoming season. “To be fair, in sabermatetrical terms, we might be getting the best of that one,” said a visibly haggard Yankees general manager Brian Cashman with a wry laugh. Cashman then hiccupped and took a belt from a bottle of Jim Beam, before telling reporters, “I love you guys. I know, I know, I know, I’ve had a few. But I totally just love you guys so much. Who wants to hug?”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alex Rodriguez, Arizona, Dallas Mavericks, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami, Milwaukee Bucks, New York Yankees, Ohio State, Pittsburgh Penguins, Syracuse

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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