About Last Night: You Got Verlandered
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Justin Verlander pitched 8.1 strong innings, allowing just one run and three hits, as the Tigers beat the Yankees 2-1 to take a 3-0 lead in the ALCS. “Our pitchers really let us down by allowing two runs,” said benched slugger Nick Swisher, attempting to change the narrative of the massive Yankee failure. “You’re not going to win a game when your pitchers give up two runs. Dicks.“
- Kobe Bryant told reporters that he called his friend A-Rod “a couple of days ago” to give the struggling Yankee a pep talk. It clearly worked, as A-Rod attempted to cheat on his girlfriend by hitting on two strange women after being benched in the eighth inning of Sunday’s loss to the Tigers.
- Clint Dempsey’s two goals led the U.S. to a 3-1 win over Guatemala and a spot among the final six teams in CONCACAF World Cup qualifying. “Debemos llamar nuestro equipo nacional Guate-muy-mala!” wrote a shitty Guatemelan sports writer.
- Jimmy Haslam III’s $1 billion purchase of the Cleveland Browns was officially approved yesterday, and it was announced that Mike Holmgren would retire as team president. “I guess it’s back to the hot dog–eating circuit,” Holmgren sighed to himself, putting on his favorite hot dog sweater.
- NHL owners offered players a 50/50 split in league-generated revenue as labor negotiations drag on. Unfortunately, the players were hesitant to even consider the offer, since that revenue is mostly limited to the black-market sale of the squids that fans sometimes throw on the ice.
- Federal judge Daniel Knowles ordered Roger Goodell to turn over all documents related to the Saints bounty scandal as Jonathan Vilma initiates a defamation case against the commissioner. “OK, hypothetical,” Goodell said to Knowles. “Say someone drew a quick picture, just a generic little sketch, but it maybe looked like it was someone like I don’t know, Jonathan Vilma and he’s wearing just a loin cloth, and he’s carrying a little redhaired fellow in his arms, and, uh there are like, I guess, hearts all around little hearts, but also little daggers, because what’s romance without a little danger, you know? Anyway, is that considered a document? It doesn’t seem like it fits the definition of document.”
- Steelers linebacker James Harrison said he has suffered “double-digit concussions” in his playing career, and has taken it upon himself to use special CRT padding in his helmet to avoid another. Despite his forward-looking move, all other NFL players confirmed that they’ll continue using the standard CRS padding.
- A late goal by Olivier Giroud gave France a 1-1 tie against Spain in World Cup qualifying, and broke Spain’s run of 24 straight qualifying wins. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot. “OH, CLASSIC FRANCE. JUST CLASSIC FRANCE RIGHT THERE. SORRY I DO NOT HAVE A JOKE TODAY. I WAS OUT ALL NIGHT STAKED OUT IN FRONT OF PENNY’S HOUSE. THEY HAVE SOME TREES ACROSS THE ROAD THAT I HID BEHIND. I THINK SHE HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND ALREADY. I SAW HIM COME IN FOR DINNER. HER PARENTS WERE ALL NICE TO HIM BECAUSE HE IS A WIND ROBOT. I AM SO ANGRY. THERE IS NO WAY I AM LETTING THIS HAPPEN. NO WAY. TERRENCE THE GRANTLAND ROBOT DOES NOT GET PLAYED.”
- Trailing 4-0 to Germany — in Germany — Sweden scored four straight goals in the final 30 minutes to pull off a stunning comeback and earn a 4-4 draw in World Cup qualifying. As a result of the loss, German coach Joachim Loew will be placed on the national “Undisciplined And/Or Inefficient Registry,” a mark of extreme shame, and could face criminal charges. If his case comes to trial, he will likely make a plea to avoid jail time, since the undisciplined and inefficient are reviled by German prisoners and subject to harsh, inhumane treatment inside.