About Last Night: You Can’t Handle the Jags!

In case you were busy watching Frasier with Jay Z, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • Break up the Jaguars, winners of three straight after they topped the Houston Texans 27-20 in Jacksonville. According to the Internet, that three-game winning streak is the longest active streak in the AFC. However, common sense would suggest that is likely not true, but simply an indicator that the machines controlling the Internet have evolved, become sentient, and progressed psychologically to the point where they can derive pleasure from trolling.
  • In a titanic battle of teams easily likened to the Titanic, the Knicks proved unsinkable, beating the Nets 113-83 in Brooklyn. “So does that make me the iceberg?” asked Nets head coach Jason Kidd after the game. But the awkward silence made it clear to Kidd that he was not the iceberg at all, just a man holding on to some flotsam, waiting for the icy grip of death to take hold.
  • Without Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat dropped their second straight game, 107-87 to the Chicago Bulls. “Well played, but that’s a load of crap,” Heat coach Erik Spoelstra said to Tom Thibodeau during their postgame handshake. “You gotta admit that’s unfair. Why do we have to play without our All-Star guard? Someone should have postponed the game!” Thibodeau, struck dumb, looked at Spoelstra, furrowed his brow, and cleared his throat audibly five or six times without breaking eye contact. “You OK?” Spoelstra asked. “You need a lozenge?” But Thibodeau just kept staring at Spoelstra, unblinking, until the Heat coach slinked away.
  • Despite speculation he might take a job at the University of Washington, where he was a longtime assistant, Missouri’s Gary Pinkel said Thursday he will not be leaving the Tigers. “Oh, how comical,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban as he laughed deeply, before adding sarcastically, “Yes, I’m sure he won’t be leaving at all.” Saban then started laughing again and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just, come on. Not leaving! Why would any coach not leave a place? It’s funny ’cause it’s absurd!”
  • Former Packers defensive back Charles Woodson came out saying the team should shut down Aaron Rodgers if they are eliminated from playoff contention before he returns from his broken collarbone. As this is a reasonable course of action, aside from the possibility that it could be misconstrued as showing weakness, I’m sure it will be the one opted for by this NFL franchise. There’s certainly no way an NFL franchise would take an unnecessarily risky path with a star player to appease his ego and the team’s sense of manliness. Nope. Not possible.
  • The Clippers’ bench proved too much for Memphis as Los Angeles pulled away from the Grizzlies in the second half to win 101-81. “Clippers teams are always deep,” Grizzlies head coach Dave Joerger said after the game. “I mean, remember when they could pull Loy Vaught, Eric Piatkowski, Keith Closs, and Tony Massenburg off the bench? Pooh Richardson? This is not a franchise you can allow to hang around.”
  • Teddy Bridgewater starred for Louisville as the Cardinals eked out a 31-24 overtime win against Cincinnati in their final American Athletic Conference game. “We may be leaving, but we’ll always have the memories of our time in the AAC,” Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich said before showing a video montage scored to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You,” featuring clips of him sitting awkwardly at a pair of meetings from July of this year, and then a title card with the words “FOOTAGE NOT FOUND” printed in block type.

Filed Under: Aaron Rodgers, About Last Night, Brooklyn Nets, Chicago Bulls, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Louisville, Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat, Missouri, New York Knicks

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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