About Last Night: Windy City Bynum
In case you were busy pulling aside Johnny Manziel during a commercial break to have a serious values conversation, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- The Cleveland Cavaliers traded malcontent center Andrew Bynum and a host of draft picks to the Chicago Bulls for forward Luol Deng. “It’s easy to criticize me,” Bynum said after the trade was announced, “but I’ve made $73 million playing basketball without once prioritizing my physical well-being over my desire to have a good time. So, criticize that!” When told that’s exactly what people criticize about him, Bynum shrugged and hopped onto his polo pony Giorgio while yelling, “To the Hamptons, Giorgio! Mush!”
- The Florida State Seminoles completed their perfect season and captured the final BCS championship by overturning an 18-point deficit to beat Auburn, 34-31. While some credit for the win belongs to Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher and quarterback Jameis Winston, primary credit for the Seminoles’ triumph must be given to former Florida State football player Burt Reynolds. Why? Because he’s Burt Reynolds. Moving on …
- Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves throttled James Anderson and the Philadelphia 76ers, 126-95, to get back to .500 on the season. “What do you mean am I a real person?” Anderson said after the game. “Look at my physical body! Come on now. How could I be an auto-generated glitch from the new NBA Live game? That’s crazy. Do you seriously not remember my illustrious college career as a Cowboy?” When asked if he rode bulls or stallions in college, Anderson shook his head and referred all future questions to T. Boone Pickens before storming out of the Philadelphia locker room.
- Two goals from Cristiano Ronaldo were more than enough for Real Madrid, who beat a spirited Celta Vigo side, 3-0. “I loathe Celta Vigo,” Ronaldo explained after the match, as he stared deeply at his own reflection in the eyes of an interviewer. “They remind me of the only two things even more beautiful than I: Viggo Mortensen, and a 1992 Toyota Celica.” When asked to elaborate, Ronaldo scoffed and said, “It is so obvious. The “i” and the “c” in Celica, they combine to look like a “t.” And the shape of that car, with its smooth curves and handsome styling makes me as sexually ashamed in its presence as I am when I watch Mr. Mortensen’s many fine collaborations with the filmmaker David Cronenberg. So, so very sexually ashamed.”
- John Tavares was dominant as the New York Islanders overturned an early two-goal deficit to beat the Dallas Stars, 7-3. Tavares combined a hat trick with two helpers to register the rare “magician’s assistant is actually identical twins trick,” which forced the crowd at Nassau Coliseum to throw fake saws and boxes with hidden panels onto the ice after his third goal, stopping the action for almost two hours.
- 20-year-old Jordan Spieth’s attempt to force a playoff came up just short, as Zach Johnson won the Hyundai Tournament of Champions at 19-under, one stroke clear of Spieth. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of Spieth gagging away tournaments in clutch situations. I think it’s time to slap the “biggest choker in golf” tag on him now. Sure, some members of the so-called golferatti will want you to look at Spieth’s array of top-five finishes and youth as a sure sign of future greatness. Not me. I’m setting the choke table, and seating Spieth directly adjacent to a poorly deboned piece of halibut.
- The Indianapolis Colts signed former Patriots wide receiver Deion Branch as they strengthen an injury-plagued receiving corps in advance of their AFC divisional showdown with New England. “I’m not worried about Deion,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said when asked about his former star receiver. “If anything, the Colts should be the ones worried, as I implant a small recording device deep in the brain stem of every player our organization lets go. Wait, was I just talking out loud?” Belichick then looked around, frowned, and said, “I should probably say something to the effect of, ‘You misheard me, I definitely don’t implant a small recording device deep in the brain stem of every player our organization lets go,’ but I’m not going to waste everyone’s time. You guys know me. I obviously implant a small recording device deep in the brain stem of every player our organization lets go. That’s a thing that I do. Personally. With a giant needle. I’m Bill Belichick. It gives me great pleasure, and also provides a strategic advantage. Do you really think I would pass up the opportunity to implant a small recording device deep in the brain stem of every player our organization lets go?”