About Last Night: Wes Welker’s Feeling a Mile High

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In case you just saw the trailer for Upside Down and found yourself suddenly back to square-one on your big screenplay idea, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • Wide receiver Wes Welker has left the New England Patriots, signing a two-year contract with the Denver Broncos. “I always hated Welker,” said Northeastern sophomore and Patriots superfan Aaron Sullivan. “Just like I always hated Clemens, Vinatieri, Damon, Beckett, Ray Ray, Manny B, and Tom Brady.” When asked why he hated Tom Brady, who never has left a Boston-based team to play for a rival, Sullivan responded, “Oh, guy thinks he’s so great because he never left the Pats. Real Pats leave. Period.”
  • The Miami Heat won their 20th consecutive game, beating the Philadelphia 76ers, 98-94, on the road. “Twenty in a row, that’s a perfect game in Magic: The Gathering, am I right?” asked Heat forward Shane Battier after the game. “If only someone on this team would play with me. I have a sweet black/blue deck I want to try out. I tried to teach Chris Andersen how to play, but he kept folding up the cards and throwing them at me while yelling, ‘Cacaw!’ It was … disappointing.”
  • Kobe Bryant suffered an ankle injury while landing awkwardly on a late field goal attempt defended by Dahntay Jones, as the Los Angeles Lakers fell to the Hawks in Atlanta, 96-92. Bryant has been ruled out indefinitely with the injury, saying after the game, “Revenge isn’t the sort of thing that has a timetable. Except for a 30-minute head start.” When told of Bryant’s statement half an hour later, Jones asked, “Wait, when did he say that?” before slipping on a loose piece of linoleum and bruising his knee.
  • In a battle of teams who aren’t the Spurs or Thunder, the Memphis Grizzlies beat the Los Angeles Clippers, 96-85, at Staples Center to move into third place in the Western Conference. “I think this game shows we have a good chance of making the NBA Finals,” Grizzlies center Marc Gasol said to a bemused press corps. “Seriously, I think we could beat both Oklahoma City and San Antonio in back-to-back playoff series,” as the media’s laughter grew louder. Gasol finished his press conference by saying, “Come on, guys, stop laughing. We have a team that’s just as good as the top two in the West,” before he was cut off by Memphis Commercial Appeal reporter Ronald Tillery, who was in physical pain from laughing so hard.
  • Carmelo Anthony returned to Denver, but all he got was another blowout loss as his Knicks fell to the Nuggets, 117-94. Iman Shumpert, who led the Knicks in defeat with 20 points, said after the game, “Iman Shumpert in the house! Alright, ladies, now who’s going to do the Shumpty Shump with me.” When asked if he was disappointed that his team lost, Shumpert responded, “Ahhhh yeah, do the Shumpty Shump,” before doing the worm on the locker room floor until Knicks center Tyson Chandler, who left the game with an injury, told him to “stand up and stop acting like a fool.”
  • The Calgary Flames got back to their winning ways in the friendly confines of the Scotiabank Saddledome, beating the Detroit Red Wings, 5-2. Flames head coach Bob Hartley said of his team’s win, “No one comes into the Saddledome without going for a ride.” When asked about his experience playing in the Saddledome, Red Wings head coach Mike Babcock said, “It’s … disappointing,” before walking away in silence, save for the eerie sound of his clicking spurs.
  • The Washington Nationals have announced that Stephen Strasburg will be their Opening Day starter. “This gives us a lot of options going forward,” said Nationals manager Davey Johnson. “We can shut Stephen down in the fifth inning. We can wait until the sixth inning. We could let him pitch a complete game, then hold him out of his next two scheduled starts, use him as a closer, find some innings for him at second base, sit him out for May, have him pitch every other day in June, then nothing in July or August, middle reliever in September, and then he can take my job for the playoffs. The point is, we have options.”
  • Arsenal had an excellent showing at the Allianz Arena, yet still failed to advance to the quarterfinals of the Champions League by virtue of road goals after finishing their tie with Bayern Munich level at 3-3 on aggregate. Despite his team’s failure to advance, Arsenal manager and noted Frenchman Arsene Wenger considered the match a success, saying between puffs off of a Gauloise, “We draw, and yet we do not move forward. Much as the beast of burden is shackled to the wagon of humanity, so, too, is humanity shackled to its notion of needing to advance. Yet, have you ever considered that there is no forward? Only downward, downward into a grave that was dug on the day we were born.” Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsay responded to Wenger’s rhetorical question with an enthusiastic, “Yessir!” only to have his manager put a cigarette out on his hand.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arsenal, Atlanta Hawks, Bayern Munich, Carmelo Anthony, Champions League, Denver Broncos, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Red Wings, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat, New England Patriots, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76Ers, Stephen Strasburg, Washington Nationals

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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