In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- NBA players and owners officially ratified the new collective bargaining agreement. “It was a mere formality at this point,” said commissioner David Stern, holding the thumping heart of an unnamed player in his hand.
- After Chris Paul was traded to the Los Angeles Lakers in a three-team deal that sent Pau Gasol to Houston, sources report that David Stern intervened and the league-owned Hornets canceled the trade. Rumors also circulated that Kobe Bryant rejected the trade because his ego was too big to share the L.A .spotlight with another superstar. Okay, I made that rumor up. But isn’t it weird that Kobe Bryant can reject trades? Or is that something else I made up? You tell me, man. You tell me.
- In a wild day in Major League Baseball, the Angels acquired slugger Albert Pujols and pitcher C.J. Wilson. “We wanted to bone up before we had to play the Houston Astros on a regular basis,” said Angels manager Mike Scioscia, drawing huge laughs. “Yeah, those guys stink!” said the over-eager Mariners, drawing awkward throat clearing noises.
- In Harvard’s first ever game as a ranked team, the no. 24 Crimson lost 67-53 to no. 9 UConn. But in terms of players who were academically eligible under NCAA rules, Harvard won 53-6.
- Kevin Jones scored 30 points and West Virginia claimed a strong road victory with an 85-80 double overtime win at Kansas State. The good news was that KSU head coach Frank Martin was so angry that several lumps of coal turned to diamonds in his rectum during the course of the game. Oh, wait I guess that’s not really good news.
- Jerry Sandusky’s wife claimed that his accusers have fabricated allegations against her husband. “Not just fabricated,” she continued, “but plagiarized! Right from his diary!”
- Despite suffering an ankle injury in the second quarter, Ben Roethlisberger threw for 280 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Steelers over the Browns 14-3. Toward the end of the game, desperate to drum up some offense, the 4-9 Browns took a radical step and experimented with the forward pass.
- Andrew Luck won the Maxwell Award as college football’s player of the year. “We wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Heisman, and that meant giving the prize to an undeserving winner,” said whichever idiots are in charge of handing out the Maxwell Award.
- The Kansas Jayhawks have hired Charlie Weis as their next head football coach. “Turner Gill was fine and all,” said Kansas athletic director Sheahon Zenger. “But we wanted someone with similar qualities to our last successful coach, Mark Mangino. And we think Weis has those- hey, why is everybody giggling?”
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