In case you were busy snickering uncontrollably upon hearing that Johnson and Fister got traded on the same day, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Tim Duncan was in vintage form, collecting 21 rebounds and scoring 23 points including a game-winning jumper with 0.4 seconds remaining in the Spurs’ 102-100 win over the Atlanta Hawks. Later, Duncan celebrated his heroic outing by giving himself time to consider whether or not Jonathan Franzen’s impact on American literature is overrated, before deciding that any such critique was inherently premature.
- Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks established themselves as the class of the NFC with a 34-7 dismantling of the New Orleans Saints. “AHHHH YES! PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL!” Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll yelled after the game as he ran laps around the assembled media, “THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST PETE CARROLL NIGHTS EVER!” When asked if it was Russell Wilson or the team’s defensive effort to whom he owed his good mood, Carroll shook his head and replied, “NEITHER! PETE CARROLL HEARD ED HOCHULI TALK ABOUT HIS BALLS! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!” Unfortunately for Carroll, once he started shaking his head, he couldn’t figure out a way to stop moving his neck for more than an hour.
- It took three overtimes, but Ryan Anderson and the New Orleans Pelicans squeezed out a 131-128 win over the Chicago Bulls in a battle of injury-ravaged teams. “Oh no, I’m the marquee name?” a suddenly pale Anderson said after the game. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a nice piece. But I also know that if I’m the top name on the sheet we’re in deep, deep trouble.”
- In a matchup of the NBA’s top two teams, Indiana lost for only the second time this season, as Portland grabbed a 106-102 win over the Pacers. Now, we here at About Last Night love to foster debate, so the question is are the Trail Blazers legitimate contenders at 15-3? And the answer is a definitive no. How can you be a contender when you haven’t won anything yet? You can’t. When was the last time the Blazers won a championship? The year began with a 197 and therefore it is irrelevant. The fact is, no team can become a contender unless they have already broken through and won the big one. Sorry, Portland. Try winning when you’ve already won something.
- USC has hired Washington head coach Steve Sarkisian to take over the school’s football program. “Man, Lane Kiffin sure would be a fun hire for Washington,” said Lane Kiffin as he tried to figure out the best way to put together a stamp collection, “either him or Lane Kiffin.”
- A back-and-forth game between Connecticut and Florida ended in stunning fashion, as Shabazz Napier collected his own miss and hit a last-second game winner to send the Huskies to a 65-64 win over the Gators. “Martha, did you see that the boys beat Florida?” Connecticut alumnus and Stamford resident Blair Whitson called to his wife, Martha, as he flipped through the New York Times obituary notices. “That Napier kid came through again. Didn’t I tell you he was something?” But Martha didn’t respond; she was busy staring at a Lands’ End catalogue. I bet I could have modeled, or designed clothes, she thought to herself as she stared at a woman in a shawl cardigan, clearly deeply in love with the man standing near her in a puffy vest. I certainly could have done something with this life of mine. But no, I stayed home, raised the kids; now it’s a Monday and Blair and I are both at home. Broke. If I’m being honest. And with no prospects. Who would hire either of us? Martha sighed. They’d already cut back so far since his troubles. Martha let herself try to remember her old life, but the memory was fuzzy, just a series of grainy images representing all of her hopes and dreams, once realized, now relegated to the occasional nostalgic reverie. Next, she tried to remember if there was a time when she truly loved Blair. She suspected there was, but now it was buried under so much animosity she had to take it on faith. Martha sighed again and turned the page in her catalogue. Slippers! she thought to herself and began to tear up. That’s me, walking softly and carrying a big stick of shame. “Martha,” Blair repeated, “didn’t I tell you he was something?” Martha snapped out of her fog and nodded, as she thought to herself, I wish I thought anything was something