In case you were busy facing the ramifications of stealing plants off a wall, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• In a battle of the AL’s top teams, Tigers starter Doug Fister spun a gem and Detroit got some late offense to top John Lackey and the Boston Red Sox 3-0 at Fenway Park. The Tigers now sit only half a game behind the Red Sox for the best record in the league, despite playing without the services of reigning AL MVP Miguel Cabrera for three straight games. “If he’s so valuable then why are they winning without him?,” asked ESPN Radio Detroit 1090 caller Ekim Salmon in a poorly wrought British accent, before adding, “now I don’t want to go against the current here, but you’d have to be gone fishing to miss the greatness of that chap down in Anaheim.” When asked if he was Mike Trout using a poorly wrought British accent, Salmon replied without an accent, “No … no. No no. Definitely not. But I do have to go now.”
• Roger Federer fell in the fourth round of the U.S. Open for the first time in 10 years, losing to Spaniard Tommy Robredo 7-6 (3), 6-3, 6-4. “Time,” whispered the ghost of Pete Sampras into Federer’s ear after the match, “time. It comes for us all. And it is insatiable in its appetite for our talents and — wait a second. What do you mean “ghost”? I’m not dead.” Sampras then flashed back through his entire career only to discover that he had died shortly after being struck in the head by a serve off the racket of Goran Ivanisevic in 1990, and had been dead through all of his major championships. I mean, if you look back on his career, it’s pretty obvious; the unchanging boyish good looks, the use of the Wilson Pro Staff Original, which went unchanged since 1983, his wife, who was killed by a meat hook after her sister did something the previous summer. I mean, come on, we all should have seen this coming.
• Jameis Winston, the 18-year-old redshirt freshman quarterback, lived up to overwhelming expectations in his first start, throwing four touchdown passes and running for a fifth as Florida State beat Pittsburgh on the road 41-13. While Heisman chatter may be premature, Winston, who had only two incompletions on the night, drew the praise of the last Seminole to win the Heisman Trophy, Chris Weinke, who said, “I can’t believe an 18-year-old kid did that. I mean, the guy must have nine years of eligibility left. To see a guy dominate when he’s 12 years away from the pros, it’s unbelievable. Seriously, when I was his age I was still in diapers.” Weinke then added solemnly, “Seriously.”
• Coco Crisp hit what would prove to be the game-winning home run off Derek Holland, as the Oakland A’s took back a share of the AL West lead with a 4-2 win over the Texas Rangers. “We discovered a new market inefficiency,” A’s general manager Billy Beane said after the game, “making fun of Derek Holland’s newly bare upper lip. See, people for years were like, ‘Mock the mustache,’ but we knew that we didn’t have the resources to compete in a mustache-mocking competition. So we let the Yankees and Red Sox fans mock the mustache until he shaved it, then we came in and mocked his super-weird upper lip. I mean, look at it. It’s really weird.”
• The Dodgers won their fifth straight game with a 10-8 victory over the Arizona Diamondbacks, but lost rookie Yasiel Puig to a strained knee in the process. “I hope you learned your lesson,” said Dodgers manager Don Mattingly with an expectant head cock to Puig after the game, but Puig didn’t know what he was talking about. Should he ask? No, no, that would only make Don mad. It probably had something to do with playing too hard. Or not playing hard enough. Mattingly kept staring at Puig waiting for a response. But what to say? Go with the truth. “My knee hurts, skip,” Puig said. After a tense beat, Mattingly smiled and said, “Bet she does. Now go get ’em next time,” to a still befuddled Puig.
• Henrik Stenson capped a summer of quality golf with a two-stroke win at the Deutsche Bank Championship. The win nudged Stenson to the top of a star–and–Graham DeLaet–studded FedEx Cup leader board ahead of Tiger Woods, Adam Scott, Matt Kuchar, Graham DeLaet, Phil Mickelson, and Justin Rose.
• The international soccer transfer window closed, with Mesut Ozil the biggest name to move, heading from Real Madrid to Arsenal for €50 million. The move was a surprise to all those but former teammate Ricardo “Rick” Carvalho, to whom Ozil had confided in earlier in the week in Monaco. “You’ll see, Rick, after tonight I’ll be through with the whole business,” Ozil said in hushed tones over a glass of whiskey, “I’ll be leaving, finally, this Casa Blancos. You see I have transit papers, signed by Zinedine Zidane himself. And I’ll be sold tonight for more money than you can possibly imagine. Rick, are you finally impressed with me?” Carvalho looked over his counterpart, and said, “I heard a rumor that couriers from Manchester wanted those papers,” to which Ozil responded with a sad shake of the head, “I heard that rumor too. Poor red devils.” Carvalho shook his head and said, “Mesut, maybe I am finally impressed with you,” before telling Monaco striker Radamel Falcao to play “As Time Goes By.”
• The New York Jets signed quarterback Brady Quinn as incumbent Mark Sanchez appears unlikely to be healthy enough to backup rookie Geno Smith early in the season. “Yeah, I’m fucking trolling you, deal with it,” Rex Ryan said of the move, before adding, “What would you do? If you’re me, what do you do?” When told that the answer might have been to re-sign Tim Tebow, Ryan paused, arched his eyebrow and said, “Actually, that’s good. That’s real good.”