About Last Night: The Rich Get Richer
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- With a balanced scoring attack, the no. 6 Duke Blue Devils held off no. 17 Virginia to win their 44th straight home game, 61-58. After the game, the student body from both schools expressed relief that they could put the rivalry aside and get back to wearing pastel shirts and inventing new ways to screw poor people.
- MLB owners voted 29-1 to give Bud Selig a two-year extension as commissioner. “You can’t pay a human being a higher compliment,” Selig said of the show of faith. In a related story, San Diego Padres owner John Moores has been hospitalized with severe burns and snake bites, along with a broken leg sustained after a 20-foot fall through what doctors are calling “some sort of trap door.”
- Dwight Howard broke the record for most free throw attempts in a game (previously held by Wilt Chamberlain) with 39 in a 117-109 Magic win over the Warriors. Unfortunately, Howard is a devout Christian, which means this is probably the last Chamberlain record that he’ll ever break.
- After defeating powerhouses like Ohio State, Kentucky, and Michigan at home, the no. 8 Indiana Hoosiers finally lost at Assembly Hall to unranked Minnesota, 77-74. It should be noted, however, that due a new promotion/relegation policy in the NBA, the victorious Minnesota team was the Timberwolves. In other action last night, the Minnesota Golden Gophers lost to the Chicago Bulls 140-8.
- In response to a Board of Trustees’ statement saying that Joe Paterno was fired due to “extraordinary circumstances,” Scott Paterno told reporters that his father’s firing “had not been handled well”. He then left to play Chinese checkers with Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, and Cooper Manning.
- Alabama’s Trent Richardson and Dre Kirkpatrick will enter the NFL draft. Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban has said he won’t accept the national championship trophy until those two, along with every other player on the active roster, earns their college degree. (Hold for laughs.)
- NCAA president Mark Emmert gave an important vote of confidence at the “state of the association” speech when he said he would support a four-team playoff in college football. “It’s just logical,” said Emmert. “We vote on the national champion like always, and then the teams ranked two through five have a playoff for second place.”
- On his weekly radio appearance on The Michael Kay Show, Joe Namath said that he doesn’t like the hiring of Tony Sparano as Jets offensive coordinator. “What are his credentials?” asked Namath, who holds a doctorate in sports criticism from Princeton.
- After being named the country’s most popular athlete in an ESPN poll, Tim Tebow said he was surprised and humbled, but that there are “a lot of crazy polls out there.” “WELL MAYBE I THINK YOU’RE CRAZY!” shouted famous pollster Scott Rasmussen, angrily waving a telephone.
Guess what, gang? It’s time again for PARTICIPATION FRIDAY, the web’s premiere Participation event (as voted by Participation Magazine). Last week, I asked you for your favorite animal fact, and the response was inspirational.
This week’s installment: Send me your favorite bizarre law. It could be local, state, national, or foreign. There are some strange ones out there, and who better to track them down for the public good than Grantland readers? As with the animal facts, true examples are preferred, but a good fake one will get serious consideration from the committee. Email TobaccoRdBlues@gmail.com for a chance to get your name on the Internet and become world famous.