About Last Night: The Prince of Detroit City
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- A source reported that the Detroit Tigers have agreed to a nine-year, $214 million deal with former Brewers slugger Prince Fielder. The hefty contract was a bitter pill to swallow for Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge, who is currently being paid in worthless foreclosed Detroit homes.
- The Raiders will hire Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen as their next head coach, according to league sources. I already looked at his picture online, and I’m sorry to report that those of you hoping for a hilarious combination of Dennis Green and George Allen will be sorely disappointed.
- Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray both won in straight sets to reach the Australian Open semifinals, where they’ll join the other top seeds, Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer. Man, if men’s tennis were any more predictable, it would be a celibate woman’s menstrual cycle WAIT, HOLD ON, NO. NO. NO, MAN. YOU CAN’T SAY THAT. YOU CAN’T SAY THAT HERE. IT’S TOO EDGY. IT’S TOO HIP. IT’S WAY TOO EXTREME FOR HERE.
- Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants have agreed to a two-year contract worth over $40 million. Immediately after signing the deal, Lincecum received phone call from Brandon Inge. “Hey man!” said Inge. “Heard you came into some money. Any interest in a sweet real estate investment opportunity?”
- No. 1 Kentucky pushed its SEC record to 6-0 with a 57-44 road win against unranked Georgia. The win became somewhat embarrassing for the Bulldogs when it was discovered that all five Kentucky starters were actually sitting front row at a Hawks game in Atlanta, and John Calipari hired Rick Pitino to imitate him on the sidelines.
- Tyson Chandler’s 20 points and 17 boards helped the Knicks snap a six-game losing streak with an emphatic 111-78 win over the Bobcats. I just hope everyone kept their noses clean in Charlotte after the game, and nobody got into any trouble hanging out at the banks.
- Chris Bosh scored 17 fourth-quarter points to help LeBron James beat his old team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, in a 92-85 Heat win. “Finally, revenge!” said LeBron, as ten thousand dudes in Cleveland wept over an electricity bill.
- Tony La Russa will become just the second retired skipper to manage an All-Star team when he takes the helm for the National League this summer. Meanwhile, Ron Washington will become the first active skipper to manage an All-Star team while spitting over 3,000 times in a nine-inning game.
- Baltimore’s Bernard Pollard said he embraces his reputation for injuring Patriot players, and that he hopes the Giants “put a thrashing” on the Pats in the Super Bowl. “A right thrashing!” he continued. “Aye! Then we’d see which’a dem cleat-clad lads would drag me good name trew da mud, yes we would! For ya see, ole Bernard innit just a man wid no heart, tho they reckon so. He bleeds and pains like any other bloke. Yet tell that to ole man Belly-check and ye may just as well flog the queen in Piccadilly.”
Filed Under: About Last Night, Baltimore Ravens, Charlotte Bobcats, Chris Bosh, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Tigers, Georgia, Kentucky, Lebron James, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Novak Djokovic, Oakland Raiders, San Francisco Giants