About Last Night: The Perfect Pacers

In case you were busy telling one of your employees to hit another one of your employees to settle an interpersonal workplace dispute, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • A fourth-quarter surge from the Pacers’ reserves turned a close game between division rivals into a blowout, as Indiana ran away from the Bulls in a 97-80 win at Bankers Life Fieldhouse. Chicago head coach Tom Thibodeau, whose team is now a disappointing 1-3, said after the game, “I’m panicking! Of course I’m panicking! We’ve played four games! Derrick Rose is not playing like an MVP! We’re all panicking!” Thibodeau then added, “Fire! Fire! I don’t know what to do! What am I supposed to say? ‘Just play your game, and things will turn around?’ No! No one will believe me! Must make everything clean! Must make everything clean!” Thibodeau then pulled out a canister of gasoline and poured it over the team’s jersey hamper as the media ran from the locker room.
  • Philadelphia lost its second consecutive game after opening the season a surprising 3-0, falling to the Washington Wizards 116-102. “I think we’ve got this all straightened out,” said 76ers GM Sam Hinkie after the game. “Me and the boys had to come to a bit of an arrangement, see. Turns out just bringing in bad apples ain’t enough. You have to make them want to play bad, you hear? But the problem is, shooting baskets is real fun. Almost too fun.” Hinkie then smiled and said, “But defense? No one likes playing defense. Dames don’t go in for defense. So I say, no defense, and they can keep their precious offense. Pretty clever, eh?”
  • Despite losing Steph Curry to a foot injury caused by a collision with Ricky Rubio, the Golden State Warriors held off the Minnesota Timberwolves, 106-93, to improve to 4-1. When asked if he whispered, “There can be only one,” to Curry after the game, Rubio replied, “What? No! Of course not! What would that even be in reference to? One media-friendly, undersize point guard with a totally unique game? That’s crazy!” Rubio then cleared his throat and added, “But there can be. Only one. Of those things I just said.”
  • The Chicago Cubs hired former Padres bench coach Rick Renteria to take over as the team’s manager. When asked why he hired a man who had only played or coached for a single winning team in his 11-year major league career, Cubs president Theo Epstein replied, “Well, we were able to look past what Renteria did with that pretty good 2010 Padres team to see the real Cubs man buried within.”
  • The Olympic torch has taken its first trip to space, as it launched alongside three cosmonauts heading to the International Space Station in the lead-up to the 2014 Sochi Games. For safety reasons, the torch will remain unlit in space. Now we here at About Last Night are all about stirring up debate, and is it just me, or is it insane to extinguish the torch just to send it into space? We are talking about 2,000 years of Olympic tradition, during which time the torch has never gone out. And it has been dangerous the whole time! That’s the nature of fire. I recently burned myself quite badly using a flame to heat up a can of chunky beef soup. You play with fire, you’re gonna get covered in hot soup! You don’t see me becoming a vegetarian. Now we’re going to extinguish it because Johnny and Natasha Cosmonaut don’t have the guts to blast off with an open flame in their spaceship? Well maybe we should just give all Olympic athletes participation torches just for showing up. Is that how things are in Russia? We wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt trying to go faster, higher, and stronger. What’s faster, higher, and stronger than fire in space? Nothing. So, I think the only answer is an Olympic boycott … no, an Olympic man-cott.
  • Brian Boyle had a goal and an assist as the New York Rangers upset the Pittsburgh Penguins, 5-1, at Madison Square Garden. “It’s so weird,” said Boyle after the game. “My body is Brian Boyle’s! But last night, all the guys on both teams, we were at the fountain up by Columbus Circle around 3 a.m. And all of us were like, ‘Let’s piss in this fountain.’ And we did. But right as Boyle, I mean … I. Right as me and I … I mean, right as Sid Crosby. Right as I, Brian Boyle, and he, Sidney Crosby, were shaking it out, boom! A bolt of lightning.” Boyle then shook his head and added, “It does feel nice to have a relatively fresh brain to work with. Also, does anyone know Lindsay Lohan’s number? I have some logistical questions.”
  • Lionel Messi scored two goals as Barcelona beat AC Milan, 3-1, to ensure advancement to the knockout stages of the Champions League. Barcelona, despite being unbeaten in their first 18 competitive matches of the season, are facing tough questions about the team’s form. Midfielder Andres Iniesta said after the match, “So what if we’re undefeated? Of course we’re panicking! We had to score off a long ball today! We’ll never be as good as we were under Pep Guardiola! Fire! Fire! Fire!”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Barcelona, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Cubs, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Lionel Messi, Minnesota Timberwolves, New York Rangers, Philadelphia 76Ers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Washington Wizards