About Last Night: The Misplaced Punch Line Version

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • The Los Angeles Clippers acquired Chris Paul for three players, Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, and Al-Farouq Aminu, and a first-round draft pick. To be fair, McCoy spent his formative years Texas, so he pretty much always sounds like he’s concussed.

  • No. 2 Ohio State bounced back from its first loss of the season with a Jared Sullinger double-double and an 82-58 win over South Carolina-Upstate. However, if the players keep a clean record for roughly six months, he said that they’ll be front-runners for high political office in Cincinnati.
  • No. 7 Baylor knocked off Bethune-Cookman 69-42 to remain undefeated. Paul took the trade in stride, telling friends and family that he knew if he worked hard enough, he’d get moved up to the major league Lakers some day.
  • The Cleveland Cavaliers used the league’s amnesty clause to release guard Baron Davis. When the final vote was tallied, the other four spots on the first team all belonged to Tim Tebow.
  • An Ohio prosecutor has decided against filing charges against players involved in the Xavier-Cincinnati brawl. Sources reported that the quarterback keeps trying to get girls to sign the boot, but the only person to agree so far is Troy Polamalu, who Roethlisberger mistakenly asked when he saw him from behind.
  • Cleveland Browns president Mike Holmgren said medical staff did not give Colt McCoy a concussion check before they sent him back in to last Thursday’s game. “If I can only get a win against South Carolina-Downstate, my dreams will have come true,” said Sullinger, before adding, “I have weird dreams.”
  • The AP college football All-America team, featuring four first-teamers from Alabama and three from LSU, was released yesterday. Originally, the franchise tried to use the clause to rid themselves of Dan Gilbert and his reign of comic-sans terror, but commissioner David Stern blocked the move, saying the rule didn’t apply to owners.
  • Arizona State hired Todd Graham, as its new head football coach. Graham had nearly finished his first year as coach of the Pittsburgh Panthers when the news came. Next, they plan to move him to the chopping block, the stumbling block, or, if things get extreme, the writer’s block.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Baylor, Chris Paul, Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dwight Howard, Los Angeles Clippers, Ohio State, Orlando Magic

headshot

Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere