About Last Night: The Melk Man Delivers

All-Star Game hot dogIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Melky Cabrera blasted a two-run homer to lead the National League to an 8-0 rout in the All-Star Game — the NL’s most lopsided victory ever — and took home the MVP in the process. “I’m just glad Melky has the monkey off his back,” said teammate Pablo Sandoval, adding, “we were all sort of wondering when he’d win an All-Star MVP.” Josh Hamilton agreed. “As much as I hate to lose, this has been a long time coming for Melky. It’s nice to see him realize his destiny.” Even the New York Post chimed in, with an uncharacteristically lengthy and bland front-page headline: “WE NO LONGER LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE MELKY CABRERA HAS NEVER WON AN ALL-STAR GAME MVP.”
  • Robbie Cano, the Yankee second baseman who was booed vociferously in Monday’s Home Run Derby for leaving Billy Butler off the team, said Kansas City fans went too far when they yelled at his family in Kauffman Stadium. To be fair to the fans, though, Cano’s mother was carrying a book, a practice that is viewed with deep suspicion in their culture.
  • League and team sources told ESPN that if Drew Brees doesn’t have a new contract by Monday, he won’t report to Saints’ training camp on time. However, if significant progress is made before then, he will come to camp and set up with a beach chair and umbrella in the far end zone. And if a contract is imminent, he’ll take out his iPod ear buds and sort of point appreciatively when someone makes a nice play.
  • Sources report that the Houston Rockets and L.A. Lakers have entered the trade talks that may send Dwight Howard from Orlando to Brooklyn. Annoyingly, the Sacramento Kings also keep showing up, wearing stupid hipster Castro hats and doing the “wassssssssup!” thing from like 1999.
  • The family of Joe Paterno said that the iconic Penn State coach did not cover up for Jerry Sandusky when he was accused of molesting young boys. Well, good. We can finally put that one to bed. I just wish they’d said something sooner, so we could all stop worrying and have a good, long laugh. Because at the end of the day, guys, life is funny, you know? That’s what’s being lost in this whole mess. Life is really, really funny.
  • Kevin Durant admitted that seeing LeBron James every day on the U.S. Olympic team brings back the bad memory and the pain of the NBA Finals loss. It also doesn’t help that James routinely tackles him from behind during warm-ups, yelling, “FIVE GAMES, BEEYOTCH! TASTE THE PAINNNN, BABY! KEVVY-KEV SO SAD! SO SAD!”
  • The Miami Heat signed veteran forward Rashard Lewis to a two-year, $2.8 million deal. “Hey, thrilled to have you,” said head coach Erik Spoelstra. “Great stuff. Oh and by the way, no big deal at all, but there’s a small tackling issue we should discuss, vis-à-vis LeBron.”
  • The Nevada State Athletic Commission issued a warning to ultimate fighter Anderson Silva for shouldering Chael Sonnen in the jaw at the weigh-in before their fight. “What’s the big deal?” asked Silva. “It’s all fake anyway.” A UFC rep whispered in his ear, and Silva’s jaw dropped. “Holy shit, this isn’t fake? I have to get my promotional posters back. Like, now.”
  • Texas running back Johnathan Gray and New York basketball star Breanna Stewart won the Gatorade Male and Female High School Athletes of the Year award. And now it’s time to hear from Terrence the Grantland Robot, who is training to take my job but who hasn’t learned to type in lowercase letters: “WOW, MUST BE A SLOW NEWS DAY WHEN WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A STUPID HIGH SCHOOL AWARD, AM I RIGHT READERS? HA. HA-HA. LAUGHTER NOISE NUMBER THREE. DISGUISE SHANE RYAN DEATH PLAN WITH SMILE NUMBER SIX.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Drew Brees, Dwight Howard, Joe Paterno, Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Team Usa, UFC

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere