About Last Night: The Dolphins’ Safety Dance
In case you were busy shooing weird-looking kids begging for candy off your doorstep, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Cameron Wake’s game-ending sack of Andy Dalton was the difference as the Miami Dolphins snapped the Cincinnati Bengals’ four-game winning streak via a rare overtime safety in a 22-20 win. When asked if Wake’s pressure had gotten in his head, a confident Dalton replied, “Not at all. That game was just a real wake-up call for our team — no, no. I’m not going to do that, he’s not in my head.” Dalton took a deep breath and continued, saying, “I mean, fortunately this isn’t some sort of wake for our chance to win the divis— no! Shit. There’s another way to say that.” Dalton then shook his head for a second before changing the subject, saying, “Let’s talk about our defense, which did a great job even without Brandon Ghee, who went to Wake Forest — what is happening to me? Come on, I’m not brain-dead like those guys in Awakenings — gah!” A visibly desperate Dalton then said, “OK, OK. I’m gonna talk about something else entirely. Have you guys heard that new Arcade Fire album? Not as good as ‘Wake Up’ but — goddamnit! Wakeboarding is a great way to enjoy the summer — what? I don’t even believe that! ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ was a hit by Wham — this has to stop!” Dalton then stood very still for a moment, before saying very slowly, “Credit to the Dolphins. They’ve come a long way since the Cam Cameron era.” Dalton then paused and looked around the room, before suddenly blurting out, “Cameron Wake era. Dolphins can ride the wake. Wake up, Andy! Wake up!”
- Derrick Rose’s contested jumper over the outstretched arms of Tyson Chandler with five seconds left on the clock proved the difference as the Chicago Bulls won their home opener, 82-81, over the New York Knicks. “Man, bet a bunch of folks are mad he didn’t block that shot,” the relatively diminutive Rose said after the game. “Too bad that Tyson ain’t a little bit taller. He’s only what? 7-foot-1? That’s gotta be hard for him. Real, real hard. Tough to earn an income in this game at 7-foot-1, you know what I mean? Man, I bet he wishes he were just slightly taller.” Rose then shook his head and added, “Not like me, though. I’m just the right size.”
- In a battle of bad hockey teams, the New York Rangers were two goals less bad than the Buffalo Sabres, beating their in-state rivals, 2-0, at Madison Square Garden. “Sure it looks like we played badly,” said Buffalo superfan Michael Phillips of his team’s performance, “but look at some of the other stats, aside from score. Henrik Lundqvist only made 29 saves; our guy, Ryan Miller, had 44. That shows we didn’t play badly. No, we played really, really, really, really, really badly.”
- Despite a barrage of Steph Curry 3-pointers, the Los Angeles Clippers, behind a monster game from Chris Paul, held off the Golden State Warriors, 126-115, at Staples Center. This early result stakes a strong claim that the team to beat in the Pacific Division this year is the Clippers, followed by the Warriors, who thrashed the Lakers, followed by the Clippers, who got beat on opening night by a depleted Lakers team, followed by the Warriors, who got beat in tonight’s shootout with the Clippers, followed by the Lakers, who couldn’t keep up with Golden State on the road, followed by the Clippers, who couldn’t handle the vaunted Lakers bench, followed by the Warriors, followed by the Lakers, followed by the Clippers, all of whom are following the Suns and Kings, who both opened the season undefeated.
- The Kentucky Wildcats debuted atop the AP college basketball Top 25, ranked on the strength of their freshman class. “How did I get such a strong incoming class?” head coach John Calipari asked the media with a cheeky smile. “Only my hairdresser knows.” Following that lead, the media approached Ken Stopowski of Ken’s Barbershop in Lexington to ask how Coach Cal is so successful on the recruiting trail. “How the hell should I know?” a confused Stopowski replied. “I just cut the guy’s hair. And what a head of hair it is.” When told that his hairdresser didn’t know anything about his recruiting, Calipari replied, “Well, no, of course he doesn’t. He knows about my incoming class.” Calipari then pulled out a hand mirror, ran his fingers through his hair, and said, “Oh yeah, what an incoming class I’ve got.”
- Knicks center Tyson Chandler stood by an easel he set up near his locker after the game. “Yes, I heard Derrick’s comments. And I’ve thought about them. And I’ve come to some conclusions,” a disappointed Chandler said. “Most are centered on this fact: I have never in my life understood what the song ‘I Wish’ by Skee-Lo was about until now. Before tonight, I found it totally unrelatable, but I sure get it now.” Chandler then pointed to the lyrics of the song, which were written out on the first page of a giant notepad sitting on his easel, and explained, “See, I’ve always been quite tall and capable of playing ball, but when Skee-Lo wishes he were a little bit taller, and then wishes he were a baller, he’s referring to the additional advantage that every bit of height provides when playing basketball. Those are connected. One might say, he’s only wishing for height, assuming the balling will follow. This was the first conclusion I arrived at this evening.” Chandler then flipped over the pad on the easel to the next page, a picture of Rose’s shot floating over his outstretched arm. “See, if I were ‘a little bit taller’ I would have disrupted that shot. Which would have likely resulted in my team winning the basketball game.” Chandler then flipped forward to a chart, which mapped height on its y-axis and “ballerness” on its x-axis, and added, “As you can see here, tallerness is directly correlated with ballerness.” Chandler then flipped through his pad again, revealing a number of pictures of attractive women. “Now, moving forward, when Skee-Lo wishes he had a girl who looked good, whom he might be able to ring on a telephonic device, this, too, is not a separate wish. It’s a wish directly related to his height, as his height would have given his basketball team more wins, thus impressing the girls who then might have wished themselves to be called by him. But that’s not all!” Chandler then flipped to a new page, which had the words “One Wish” written on it. Chandler then began scrawling out other fragments from the song, connecting them back to “One Wish” as he explained, “This applies forward: the '64 Impala would be purchased with his basketball-related income, his confrontations with hood rats would be avoided because of his basketballing, his likening of himself to Figaro would prove false as it is well known that Figaro was neither a baller nor a shot caller. All of these things are based off one wish: ‘I wish I were a little bit taller.’” Chandler then flipped over the paper on his easel one last time, revealing a picture of himself, before he concluded, “So tonight, Derrick, yes, for the first time, I, too, wish I were a little bit taller.”