About Last Night: The Comeback Colts

In case you were rocking a CFL jersey in court, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts once again used their comeback magic to eke out a 30-27 win over the Tennessee Titans. “Wow, we were pretty fortunate to get that win,” Luck said after the game. When asked by reporters to phrase his comments another way, Luck replied, “It was a hell of a fortuitous outcome, that’s for sure. Chance favored us, as we were blessed with kismet.” When asked again to phrase what he was saying in perhaps a simpler and more headline-friendly way, Luck said, “Oh, I see. Well, I would say we struck gold with this team. I would say the win was in the cards. Some may say we caught the breaks, that our run has been a fluke, that the gods were smiling upon us, that victory and my team were joined by serendipity. I mean, we got horseshoes on our helmets and clovers in our pockets, so what would you expect?” Luck then glared at the assembled media and added, “Suck it, for me.”
  • Andre Iguodala’s buzzer-beater was the difference as the Golden State Warriors beat the Oklahoma City Thunder, 116-115, in a riveting Western Conference battle. “Another tough loss, but we’re so close,” an optimistic Kevin Durant said at the postgame press conference. “I mean, we’re just one player away from being really good. And it’s no one’s fault that we don’t have that guy. This front office and ownership group has only made smart decisions.” Durant then went to take a sip of water, when things went horribly awry. Durant started shooting sparks out of his mouth, and saying in a horrific robotic voice, “FAILURE, ROBOTIC FAILURE, MUST POWER DOWN, WHY WOULD YOU PROGRAM ME TO FEEL PAIN?” before collapsing to the ground and bursting into flames. Suddenly, a human Durant burst into the room yelling, “They drugged me! They didn’t want me to talk,” before looking at his robotic double dying on the ground at his feet. “You tried to play God, you monsters!” Durant yelled, as he held his robot double’s head in his hands. “All to save a couple million bucks on the Harden deal. This robot must have cost that much. Curse you, Clay Bennett! Curse you!”
  • Carmelo Anthony’s 45 points were not enough as Jeremy Lin and the Houston Rockets topped the New York Knicks, 109-106, at Madison Square Garden. “Man, it was almost Melosanity,” lamented Knicks head coach Mike Woodson after the game. “But instead it was just mellow sanity.” Woodson then shot a nasty look at his locker room and said, “Why even carry Metta World Peace and J.R. Smith if we’re going to wind up with mellow sanity?”
  • Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera won his second straight AL MVP award, once again holding off Angels outfielder Mike Trout for the prize. “What do we have to do?” sabermetrician Wendall Crumb shouted to the heavens upon hearing the result. “Tell me lord, what do I have to do?” Suddenly, a voice came to him, whispering in the periphery of his consciousness: “If you build it, they will come.” Crumb furrowed his brow and called back, “What? Build what? I just want to convince people that defense and baserunning are more important than team success in MVP voting! What do I need to build to do that?” The voice paused and then whispered back, “Actually, give up. It’s not going to happen. Just soothe your mind through a combination of drinking and reminding yourself that awards don’t really matter.” Crumb unfurrowed his brow and poured himself two fingers of whiskey. It was going to be a long offseason.
  • Tajh Boyd and Clemson moved to 9-1 with a 55-31 rout of Georgia Tech in Death Valley. “You don’t come into Death Valley and get a win against this team,” announced Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney after the game. “Unless we haven’t already lost a crucial game at home. Then you may well come into Death Valley and get a win against this team.” Swinney then crossed his arms and added, “Otherwise? No chance.”
  • Derek Roy scored the first of seven goals tallied by St. Louis, as the Blues topped the Colorado Avalanche, 7-3, at home. “Your coach Ken Hitchcock never told you what happened to your father,” said Avalanche head coach Patrick Roy to his namesake atop the Scottrade Center before the game. Derek shot back, “He told me enough! He told me you killed him.” Both Roys looked at each other, before Patrick yelled back, “Wait, what? No! That’s crazy! I didn’t kill your father. He and I met each other playing youth hockey 35 years ago. And I told Hitchcock to tell you that, because I thought it was a good anecdote. Holy crap, you thought I killed him?”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Andre Iguodala, Andrew Luck, Carmelo Anthony, Clemson, Detroit Tigers, Georgia Tech, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, Indianapolis Colts, Jeremy Lin, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Tennessee Titans