About Last Night: The Cheating Chronicles

In case you were busy giving birth to an heir to a throne (hey, Kate, what’s up?) here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • If your favorite sports news is depressing drug suspension news, well, you’re in luck, because Denver Broncos’ defensive superstar Von Miller is reportedly facing a four-game suspension for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. Good for you, person who likes depressing news. Today is a great day to say about your favorite professional athlete, with a smug shake of the head, that “Everybody’s doing it, it’s just a matter of time until they’re all caught.” Me? I’m going to continue to live in denial, and will be literally burying my head in sand and living off nothing but hermit crab meat until this case is overturned as it inevitably, rightly, and irrevocably will be. Moving on, forever, surely …
  • Oh, we’re not moving on? No? OK. Brewers star and former NL MVP Ryan Braun has accepted a 65-game suspension for his violation of the league’s policy on performance-enhancing drugs both due to his role in the Biogenesis scandal and for previous statements related to his rescinded suspension before the 2012 season. Guys, you know that we here at About Last Night are all about fostering debate with regards to the biggest sports stories of the day, and this is no exception. I mean, are we really sure that Braun is guilty here? Really? What evidence do we really have? We have a positive test that was overturned because of improper handling. Stricken from the record. Then he have his name written down on paper at a Florida anti-aging clinic. Everything about those words is too sketchy to be believed. Anti-aging clinic? Florida? Handwritten notes? Come on. Handwritten notes? Seriously? What year is this? And finally we have a confession. But do we really know that no one has entered Braun’s dreams, planted the idea of taking steroids deep within his subconscious, tricking his now conscious mind into believing that, despite a lifetime of clean living, he has used illegal performance-enhancing drugs? Do we really know? And if we think we know, can we really be sure that our knowledge wasn’t planted in our minds by dream invaders out to take control of our family’s massive wealth in a Braun-related scheme so convoluted that it is totally impossible to comprehend? Can we really be sure? Really? Checkmate.
  • In only his fifth career start in center field, Jason Heyward made a spectacular game-saving catch to preserve Atlanta’s 2-1 victory over the New York Mets at Citi Field. Speculation that Heyward will follow in the footsteps of Braves legend Chipper Jones and name his son Citi has been denied because Heyward doesn’t want his son associated with the city of Hayward and the drab Northern Californian suburban middle class lifestyle the place represents. “If I’m gonna name my kid something weird, and let’s face it, I’m gonna, it’s gonna speak to something way cooler. Like, I could name him Hey. Then his name would be Hey Heyward, which is great. Or Say, as a tribute to Willie Mays. Or Screw That Song That Goes Hey Ho Heyward, cause that song is hella annoying.” Heyward then gasped, as he realized the drab Northern Californian suburban middle class lifestyle he had just channeled, and said, “Well, Citi it is I guess.”
  • Detroit starter Max Scherzer moved to 14-1, outdueling fellow All-Star Chris Sale as the Tigers topped the White Sox, 7-3. The news was not all good for Detroit, who lost Miguel Cabrera to a hip injury that leaves his status in doubt for the Tigers’ next series. Additionally, the city is embarking on the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history. But hey, Scherzer is 14-1!
  • Matt Moore also won his 14th game, throwing his first career shutout in Tampa Bay’s 3-0 win over the Boston Red Sox. Moore became just the sixth lefty to throw a shutout while allowing two or fewer hits against the Red Sox in the divisional era, joining Brett Anderson, Chuck Finley, Jimmy Key, Tommy John, and Ron Guidry. “How am I not on that list,” yelled Randy Johnson after reading it over half a dozen times. “Where is my name? Did I seriously never do that? That’s impossible!” Johnson then let his mind run over the entirety of his career before he said ruefully, “I knew I had forgotten something when I retired. I thought it was my wallet. But no, it was to shut out the Red Sox while allowing two or fewer hits. Damn.”
  • Former Bulls guard Nate Robinson will be heading to Denver, after agreeing to a two-year deal with the Nuggets. “I’m excited to head to the Mile High City, as the prolonged time spent in the thin air will finally allow me to grow to my full size,” Robinson explained to a befuddled press corps. “It’s like how on Jupiter you weigh less because of all the storms. Or something. Look, I’ve been on the Magic School Bus, and I’m sure that this is how things work. Ms. Frizzle wouldn’t betray me like this.” Robinson’s eyes narrowed before he added, “She knows better.”
  • The Rangers have bolstered their pitching staff, acquiring Matt Garza from the Cubs for a host of prospects including Triple-A infielder Mike Olt. “You gotta give up something to get something,” said Rangers GM Jon Daniels of the move. “But who has ever heard of a hitter with a short first name that starts with an “M” and a three-letter last name that starts with an “O” and ends with a “T” turning into anything in the big leagues? It’s just not a ballplayer’s name. I mean, Mitt Ort? Moe Oat? Marv Opt? Milt Ont? Map Oft? Mel Ott … oh no. What have I done?”
  • After the sudden resignation of manager Tito Villanova due to illness, Barcelona has reportedly tapped former Newell’s Old Boys manager Gerardo Martino as his replacement. A confident Martino has yet to confirm the reports, but did say, “If hired, I will be the best thing Barcelona ever got from Newell’s. Count on it.” When asked about his future striker and former Newell’s Old Boys’ academy product Lionel Messi, Martino responded, “Yes, like I said, if hired, I will be the second-best thing Barcelona ever got from Newell’s. Count on it.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Braves, Barcelona, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, Denver Broncos, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Tigers, Milwaukee Brewers, New York Mets, Tampa Bay Rays, Texas Rangers

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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