About Last Night: The Cardinal Way

In case you were out realizing the road less traveled is less traveled because it goes to Buffalo, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • Baylor’s speed was too much for Oklahoma as the Bears throttled the Sooners, 41-12, in Waco. “They say speed kills, and it did a number on us here tonight,” Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops said after the game. “But I’m still alive.” Stoops then looked around him; how did he get to this nondescript waiting room? Why was he talking to Bo Pelini? And what was the number “41” in his hand in reference to? “41,” the talking skeleton behind the desk called. Stoops raised his hand. “Come on up, Bob,” the skeleton said. “Welcome to limbo, Bob.” Stoops looked around him, and saw the faces of Will Muschamp, Steve Sarkisian, and Mack Brown. “Limbo?” Stoops asked. “Limbo,” the skeleton replied. “Now you can wait here for your second-tier bowl berth.” Stoops raised his hand and said, “Now wait a minute, we’re still alive for— ” but the skeleton cut him off and said, “Limbo, Bob. Welcome to limbo.”
  • Despite a late surge from the Ducks, Stanford shocked previously undefeated Oregon, holding the Ducks to 62 yards on the ground in a 26-20 win at Stanford Stadium. Despondent Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota said after the loss, “Stanford played well, but this is on us. We never should have tinkered with the Blur offense. It used to be we’d just listen to ‘Song 2’ and then go, go, go. Now? They’re piping ‘Coffee and TV’ into my headset. They’re piping ‘The Universal’ in. And it’s slowing me down.” Mariota then slammed his helmet on the ground and yelled, “Graham Coxon!!!”
  • Dwyane Wade’s big fourth quarter was enough for Miami, as the Heat held off the Los Angeles Clippers 102-97. “That’s what they get for talking game about me,” a furious Wade said after the game. “You don’t make Dwyane Wade angry. I’m the greatest there is and ever was, and anyone who doubts that shall suffer our wrath.” When asked what specifically he was referring to, Wade replied, “You know, what they said. The Clippers. They said some stuff about me. Right? Was that the Clippers?” When told it wasn’t, Wade said, “No? Are you sure? Well man, then I feel terrible. I never would have tried so hard had I known they hadn’t been talking shit.”
  • The Minnesota Vikings, powered by two Adrian Peterson touchdowns and a solid combined effort from quarterbacks Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel, held off the Washington Redskins in a 34-27 win. “See!” said Tampa Bay head coach Greg Schiano while volunteering at the local nursing home. “It was Josh Freeman! They don’t like him in Minnesota either. I’m a great guy! Why doesn’t anyone understand?” Schiano then caught himself and said, “A Schiano man doesn’t complain, he just makes things better for others.” Then he finished reading Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women to 86-year-old widow Bertha Feldman.
  • The reigning MLS Cup champion Los Angeles Galaxy crashed out of the playoffs, losing their Western Conference semifinal with Real Salt Lake, 2-1, on aggregate. “We’re not the same team we were,” Galaxy midfielder Landon Donovan said after the match. “Of course we miss Mike Magee, we miss David Beckham, oh do we miss David Beckham.” Donovan then looked wistfully into the distance and said, “We miss his set pieces. We miss his smile. We miss his scruff. We miss the way he’d say, ‘Hey, Landon, hey’ like we were the only Landon in the world. We miss him so much.” Donovan then spaced out for a second before snapping to and saying, “We also miss Edson Buddle.”
  • Dwight Howard’s first matchup with the Lakers since his summer move to Houston ended in disappointment with the Rockets falling, 99-98, to Los Angeles. Despite the loss, Howard was beaming after the game, saying, “Hey, I might have left the Lakers, but the guys all still treated me the same as when I was there. So that was great.” When asked what that entailed, Howard replied, “You know, no eye contact, awkward silences, the occasional muttered obscenity. Those guys are great friends, and always will be.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Washington Redskins