About Last Night: The Captain Returns (Sort Of)
In case you were out enjoying a theatrical production of Moby-Dick in Space, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter returned from the DL in New York’s 8-4 win over Kansas City, but his return might prove short-lived as he was forced to leave the game early with a quad injury. “Don’t say a word,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman yelled to a backhoe parked outside of Yankee Stadium as he awaited the results of Jeter’s MRI. “Do you think you’re a big man, sitting there, laughing at me? Laughing at us? Laughing at the goddamned Yankees way? Do you? A big man, huh. A big ol’ snorting man. Are you even a man? What do you got under the hood there? Boy parts or girl? And don’t tell me gender’s a fucking construct. I know what fucking constructs are. I built this ramshackle piece of shit team; I know what constructs are.” Cashman then angrily threw the lobster bib he was wearing as a shirt to the ground. “You’re a fucking machine, man. That’s what you are. You didn’t give birth to me. You don’t get to tell me what to do. Unless …” Cashman then paused, asking, “Mom? Are you my mother?”
- Matt Moore struck out 10 for the Tampa Bay Rays en route to his 13th win in a 4-3 victory over the Minnesota Twins. “Playing the Twins is never easy for me,” Moore explained after the game, “ever since I stayed with my parents at this hotel in Colorado as a kid. We were supposed to take care of the place through the winter, but then things got weird. There were these two girls that were always asking me to come play with them. I guess that isn’t that weird, but it gave me the willies. I mean, why weren’t they in school? Come to think of it, why wasn’t I in school? My parents really dropped the ball on that one.”
- Facing a must-win to keep its Gold Cup hopes alive, Mexico revived its moribund offense in a 2-0 win over Canada. “That’s OK,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper on his country’s elimination from the competition, “we still have all the gold we need tucked away in the Yukon.” As Harper smiled smugly, an aide tapped his shoulder and whispered in his ear. Harper was heard to exclaim, “What? A rush? In the Yukon? For gold? Gone? All of it? Those darned prospectors! We’re ruined! Ruined!”
- Braves first baseman Freddie Freeman edged Dodgers’ phenom Yasiel Puig in the National League All-Star final vote, leaving the rookie off of the team’s roster despite his torrid start. While the result was a surprise for many, the marketing industry knew better. “People think they know what they want; they’re wrong,” said brand specialist Monica Carsimmons of the vote. “You put a hundred people in a room, you ask them, ‘Do you want the new hot thing, or do you want the steady and reliable thing?,’ and all of them will say they want the new hot thing, but then you put out a pile of hot weird meat next to a bowl of Werther’s Originals, and you got ’em sucking on caramels till their jaws ache. Puig is just hot weird meat.” Carsimmons arched her eyebrow to emphasize this point, before breaking down and asking, “Oh god, will someone please give me a real job?”
- Sources suggest that rookie quarterback Geno Smith will not be attending Mark Sanchez’s so-called “Jets West” preseason training camp. Sources are unclear on whether this was a sick burn by Sanchez, refusing to extend an invitation to the youngster as he attempts to hold power over his clique, or whether this is an underhanded power play by the new kid, an attempt to create a disruptive force in an established social order. Either way, I think we can all agree that it’s too bad that the Bratz movie was already made, because this situation would have made a perfect source for an adaptation.
- Defending champion Zach Johnson fired a 64 to take a share of the lead at the John Deere Classic. However, Johnson has made it clear that even if he defends his title he does not want to adopt the nickname “Mower,” which is too bad because if he wins this weekend that’s his nickname. Zach “The Mower” Johnson. Hell, I’m going to start calling him that anyway. So good luck Mower. Go mow them lawns!
- The Lakers continue to shed players as they parted ways with forward Metta World Peace using the NBA’s amnesty provision. If this is the end for World Peace, he’ll likely be remembered for his violent stint in Indiana and his championship with the Lakers. But I would prefer to remember World Peace as the quiet superstar-cum–math major at St. John’s. Man, he was good on that ’99 team. And I’m not just saying that because I’m terrified of what World Peace might to do me if I make a joke at his expense now that he has free time on his hands. That’s not what’s happening at all. Nope. Not at all.