About Last Night: Such a Homer!

In case you were busy warming up the ol’ fuse-lighting hand, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Homer Bailey threw his second career no-hitter, as the Cincinnati Reds beat the San Francisco Giants, 3-0. Bailey joins an elite list of 31 pitchers who have thrown multiple no-hitters, including Nolan Ryan, Cy Young, Justin Verlander, Christy Mathewson, Righty Willertuck, “Lots Of” Fingers McGivens, Wee Willie “William” Willamson, Angry Tom Weatherford, “Shin” Splintsy McFingers, “Two Fingers” Uriah White, “One Finger” Elias McGovern, “Just a Palm and a Weird Half-Thumb” Pete Wigglesworth, and Mark Buehrle.
  • Miguel Cabrera hit another home run, his 26th of the season, as the Detroit Tigers edged the Toronto Blue Jays, 7-6. Guys, you know that About Last Night is all about sparking debate, so I’m going to say it: Miguel Cabrera is underrated. Is there a better hitter in the game today? No. Case closed. That said, Triple Crowns? Overrated. Is there a more arbitrary designation in the game today? No. Case closed. That said, tigers? Underrated. Is there an animal that more people think is indigenous to Africa but in fact is not? No. Case closed. That said, animals? Overrated. I’m sorry, can animals photosynthesize sunlight and produce oxygen? No. Case closed. That said, oxygen? Underrated. Can you breathe without it? No. Case closed.

  • Alex Rodriguez went hitless in his first rehab start of the year, playing for the Yankees’ Class A affiliate Charleston RiverDogs. “It’s fine, everything’s fine,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman as he manically scratched his face. “Our third baseman can’t hit with the RiverDogs, makes sense, because what the hell is a RiverDog? Seriously. I need to know. Now! What is a RiverDog?” When told that it was a dog that likes swimming, Cashman threw up in his hands and asked the assembled media if anyone had a wiping towel.
  • Noted French tennis player Marion Bartoli eliminated the final American from Wimbledon, beating Sloane Stephens in straight sets, 6-4, 7-5. “Ah, but can you eliminate America truly?” Bartoli mused as she puffed on a Gauloise Slim. “Or have we as a society soaked up so much of its toxic capitalist discharge like so many sponges floating through that nation’s supposed flaming rivers? We have. But let me ask you this: What if society itself is a flaming river, and the America that has been soaked up by us all was put out there by us?” Bartoli then giggled as the world around her became Technicolor, and she shouted with glee as she flicked her cigarette butt away. “Forget all your troubles, as life is but a dream!” Bartoli then floated into the sky on the back of a cation elephant.
  • Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman said that he and former coach Jim Harbaugh are no longer talking after Harbaugh made comments referring to the Seahawk’s multiple PED suspensions. The two men do however continue to communicate through grunts, side glances, and the occasional physical altercation, as they struggle for dominance in an increasingly competitive NFC West environment.
  • In a three-way trade, the Clippers sent Caron Butler and Eric Bledsoe to the Suns, receiving a package in return that included Bucks guard J.J. Redick. We here at About Last Night has a direct line to Redick, and he sent us his thoughts on being traded for the second time in a year. As always, Redick expressed himself through poetry.
     
    Traded (Again) (Set Sail): July 2, 2013

    Not long ago I was the Magic
    Before my life became super tragic
    I was shipped out to a team called the Bucks
    Where I shot lots of shots and made lots of bucks
    But me and Milwaukee could never last
    Like a walkie-talkie made out of string and two glass(es)
    So I set sail, like a boat that has sails
    Will I succeed, or will I just fail?
    I’m a big fan of boats and also ships
    To be clear boats are cool, and also quite hip
    I don’t own a boat, hey maybe I’ll buy her
    Nah, not now, but when I retire
    So I set sail from a dock or a pier
    Which represents how you wake up without fear
    Will it be a good day? Will you be the skipper?
    Or will you wind up a Los Angeles Clipper?
    Oh damn, that’s me
    Adrift in a “C”
    That stands for Clippers
    And Chris
    And you
    And me
    But maybe that “C” also stands for Christ?
    Who tells me to forgive and do stuff that is nice
    Like accept that the Clips ain’t what they were
    Doubts become shouts of “I’m strong and I’m sure”
    A title in L.A.? The City of Angels?
    A title for the C’s? A title at Staples?
    I’ll bring it on home, like a yacht to the shore
    Cause I’m J.J. Redick, and it’s time to score

Filed Under: About Last Night, Cincinnati Reds, Los Angeles Clippers, MLB, NBA, Tennis, Wimbledon

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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