In case you were busy fixating on that piece of popcorn stuck between your molars, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The San Antonio Spurs took down the Bulls in Chicago, 103-89, despite missing their trio of future Hall of Famers, Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker. When asked about the challenge his team faced, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said, “It doesn’t matter; I could wring 40 wins in the NBA out of the San Antonio Silver Stars. Seriously, I started some French guy named Nando de Colo at the point today. None of our scouts had ever heard of him. Apparently, he’s a friend of Tony’s. They met at a Parisian falafel stand last winter, debated the nature of existence until 6 in the morning over a pack of Gauloises and three bottles of Malbec, before deciding that we’re just shadows of an unforgiving god who vomited our spirits into this hellhole we call Earth. Whatever. Tony tells me to sign him up; guy’s never even heard of basketball before, but apparently he’s a hell of a freestyle walker, and in our system, he gets seven assists in his first start.” Popovich then offered to play any of the reporters in the room at small forward against the Cavaliers to prove his point, but there were no takers.
- The Charlotte Bobcats ended the Boston Celtics’ seven-game winning streak with a 94-91 home win. Byron Mullens powered the Bobcats’ upset with 25 points and 18 rebounds. Celtics forward Kevin Garnett was apoplectic after the game, saying, “Who let Nowitzki come down to Charlotte and wear some Mullens jersey so he could clown on KG? Y’all know I got the best sense of smell on this team, and something here was stinking to the high heavens.” Garnett then broke into the Bobcats’ locker room and started yelling “Sprechen sie Deutsch” at Mullens in a hapless effort to secure some sort of confession.
- On a day with trade rumors swirling around the team, the Brooklyn Nets got a huge conference road win over Indiana in overtime, 89-84. “Everyone was a little on edge with all the speculation, but for some reason, I’m kind of used to it,” said Nets forward Kris Humphries, who was ineffective in limited minutes and is rumored to be included in proposed deals with Atlanta and Charlotte. “Relatively speaking, this media attention seems pretty nice.”
- Marquette fell at Georgetown in a battle of soon-to-be Catholic 7 rivals. The game was decided late when all the players huddled at midcourt and deemed Georgetown the most prepared to be a communicative vessel for God. The referees then released a could of white smoke into the Verizon Center, which activated the sprinkler system and caused the game to be called with a final score of 63-55.
- Kansas ended its three-game skid with an 83-62 win over in-state rival Kansas State. Ben McLemore had 30 points for the Jayhawks, and center Jeff Withey broke Greg Ostertag’s school record for career blocks. “I view Greg as a bit of an idol,” Withey said after the game. “I, too, wish to one day play center in the NBA, establish myself as a bona fide quality defensive player, sign a massive contract, and immediately stop trying. Also, I fully expect Glenn Robinson III to do something like this to me in the tournament this year.”
- Michael Vick renegotiated his deal with the Philadelphia Eagles, and will join new head coach Chip Kelly as the Eagles attempt to bounce back from a disappointing four-win season. Philadelphia fan Burt Gortowski reacted with uncharacteristic calm to the news, as he decided to only throw one rock through Kelly’s window as a show of support for the new coach. “I think that Vick’s game could work coming out of Kelly’s blur offense,” Gortowski said as he picked through the “throwing pile” of empty Yuengling bottles and rocks that he keeps in his backyard, “but just in case he doesn’t, I don’t want to be the one guy who didn’t throw a rock through Chip’s window. How would I be able to show my face around the Wawa?”
- Liverpool squandered a number of scoring opportunities, including a Steven Gerrard penalty, before conceding twice to fall to West Bromwich Albion, 2-0, at Anfield. West Brom keeper Ben Foster, who had seven saves in the win, said after the match, “Liverpool is one of the biggest clubs in the Premier League, and a real threat to get back into the Champions League, so you know you have to bring your top game …” before collapsing in a heap of laughter. “Oh man,” Foster continued, “I almost kept it together for that one. No, but seriously, Stewart Downing wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, so I did have to try almost all match long.”
- Kobe Bryant took to Twitter to admonish one of his fans (@PacSmoove) for calling a fellow Lakers fan “gay.” Kobe went on to say, “If you really want to hurt someone with words, you can’t be homophobic. I learned that lesson the hard way; it’s wrong and only makes you look ignorant. What you have to do is get personal, learn about your foe, what they care about, and what they’re ashamed of. Then you’ll be ready to hurt people the way your high school girlfriend Michelle hurt you when she made out with your best friend on the way to junior prom. The way it hurt you when your dog Patches got real sick and died after you accidentally let it eat a piece of your birthday cake and you cried and cried and cried. The way it hurt you when your mom said your sister Kelly was her favorite kid, and that you’d never amount to anything. Then and only then will you, @PacSmoove, or should I say, 17-year-old Michael McFarlane, be ready to play with the Mamba.”
- The final prize on the MLB free agent market, All-Star center fielder Michael Bourn signed a four-year, $48 million contract with the Cleveland Indians. Bourn, a client of super-agent Scott Boras, said he chose the Indians because of “the wonderful town of Cleveland? Are you kidding me? It was the money! No one else was going over $30 million in this market. Do you know what you can buy with $18 million? Art, you dumbass. This painting by Gerhard Richter. Look at it! I own that now. Best $16 million I’ve ever spent. Plus, I’ll still have two million “Boras dollars” left over to get this work by Richard Serra installed next to my hedge maze. Yeah, I have a hedge maze.”