About Last Night: Sloppy Patriots Avoid Disaster

In case you were busy putting in a speculative application to Oklahoma State, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • The New England defense forced four turnovers en route to an ugly 13-10 win over the New York Jets. Both offenses struggled with young receiving corps, leading Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to say after the game, “I haven’t seen that many drops since the last time I went to a Skrillex concert,” to a stone-faced press corps. After an awkward beat, he added, “‘Cause of the drops, is this thing on? Anyway, I can’t wait to see the film on this one. I imagine I’ll be a big-eared elephant, and I’ll be playing the board game Operation. Eh? It’ll be Operation Dumbo Drop. Seriously guys, nothing?” Brady then exploded, yelling, “Someone pick up something I’m throwing out here!” before tossing the microphone to rookie receiver Kenbrell Thompkins, who proceeded to drop it.
  • The penultimate tournament of the FexEx Cup season is shaping up to be a classic, as Brandt Snedeker sits atop a star-studded leaderboard after firing an opening-round 63 at the BMW Championship. “It’s fitting that I’m leading,” Snedeker said after the round, “as I consider myself the ultimate driving machine.” When reminded that he ranks 142nd in driving distance on the tour, Snedeker said, “Well, I’m the penultimate driving machine.” When asked if he knew what “penultimate” meant, Snedeker sprinted to his Audi and immediately drove it into a tree.
  • San Francisco running back Anthony Dixon fanned the flames of his team’s rivalry with Seattle, saying he was in the weight room “preparing for these She-Hawks.” 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh was livid with his running back, saying, “You dumb son of a bitch, you opened us up to them calling us the Shorty-Niners. And that’s too fucking much.” A furious Harbaugh then pounded the wall and yelled, “I’m the tall one. John’s the short one. By three inches. Fucking Shravens.”
  • Veteran Freddy Garcia threw six innings of one-run ball in a rare start, as the Atlanta Braves beat Miami, 6-1. “Hey, Freddy’s back!” announced Garcia to the Braves’ locker room after the game, as he turned around and pointed at his back with a laugh. Garcia then plopped himself down in his Barcalounger, lifted up the legs and turned on Nick at Nite. “Oooo, Murder, She Wrote!” Garcia was heard to say, before he nodded off and missed the team’s flight to Atlanta.
  • Texas Tech grabbed an upset win in its Big 12 opener, as Kliff Kingsbury’s team grinded out a 20-10 victory over the Horned Frogs of TCU. The game not only established a great tone for Kingsbury’s first season in charge of his alma mater, it also settled once and for all the age-old battle between technology and religion. So cast off your false idols and purchase an iPhone 5s.
  • Wil Myers delivered a tiebreaking double in the eighth inning, and Tampa Bay avoided a sweep with a 4-3 win over the Boston Red Sox. “He’s just so handsome,” said widowed Tampa retiree Sheila Gimble, before going on to say, “I know I should root for my Red Sox. I lived in the Boston area for 12 years after the war. I remember Teddy Williams back before he was a head in a jar, and let me tell you, he was all body. But I just see Myers and I think I wish my grandson had friends that looked like that. I kid, I kid. My grandson, he’s gonna be an artist or a doctor or something. He’s at Brown. In Rhode Island. What were we talking about? Oh that’s right, that handsome Myers boy. So handsome. We used to call men who look like that comely. Do people still use that word?”
  • Mariano Rivera had an unusual evening, preserving the Yankees’ 6-5 victory over Baltimore, before being given the win by the scorer, who deemed setup man David Robertson’s relief appearance “ineffective.” Robertson fumed in the clubhouse after the game, yelling, “Ineffective! I’ll show that scorer ineffective,” before balling his fists and stomping his feet until he started crying.
  • The United States surged to 13th in the FIFA rankings in advance of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil while rivals Mexico fell out of the top 20. “I haven’t seen that many drops since the last time I went to a Skrillex concert,” said U.S. men’s national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann, getting a laugh from the gathered press corps, whom he immediately admonished, saying, “No. That is not a joke. That Skrillex concert had a large number of drops. Far more than the number of places Mexico fell in the FIFA rankings.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Braves, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Miami Marlins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, New York Yankees, San Francisco 49Ers, Seattle Seahawks, Tampa Bay Rays

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

Archive @ SpikeFriedman