About Last Night: Slipping Them a Mickey
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Sources reported that Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis had an electronic device installed in his suite that allowed him to eavesdrop on the headset conversations of opposing coaches. “Listen, I know this looks bad,” said Loomis, wearing a wide grin in an attempt to mollify the media, “but the truth is that 10 to 20 percent of the time, I couldn’t even relay the plays to Sean in time for us to do anything. So, you know … chillax, everyone. As my kids say. Non-story. Nothing to see here, move along, as a cop would say. Better get back on this bounty thing, right? That’s the real deal. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I won’t mention any names, but I’ve got it on good faith that Gregg Williams put a bounty on sleeping with other player’s wives. Wink-wink. Who does that? That’s sick, if you ask me. That’s front page pornographic material. That’s career-making, for a journalist. This electronics stuff belongs in an iPod newsletter, if anything. It’s boring, guys. And let’s be honest, you’re boring enough already. ‘Hey, look at me, I’m Dweeby McNewspaper, I play with walkie-talkies because I make no money and wish I was an Army grunt.’ Not that I think any of you are dweebs, mind you. And please don’t print that about the Army, I love and respect the Army. Big time. Well, don’t say ‘love,’ because, you know, don’t ask don’t tell and that whole can of worms, but let’s just avoid that issue altogether and focus on the heart of the matter, which is that Gregg Williams looks in the windows of other player’s wives with binoculars on nights with no moon. Quote that as anonymous, if you would.”
- The Arkansas Razorbacks hired John L. Smith to replace Bobby Petrino as head coach of the football team. Meanwhile, things are going quite badly for Petrino, as his proposal for a semi-autobiographical novel called Hogs on Hogs was rejected by the publishing house Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
- In a battle of division leaders, Derek Jeter went 4-for-5 with a double and an RBI as the Yankees beat the Rangers 7-4. After the game, an angry time traveler from 2001 with a “Jeter = Overrated” T-shirt stormed back to his time machine, zoomed forward to 2018, and was furious to see a 43-year-old Jeter break Pete Rose’s all-time hits record. In 2030, he was dismayed to watch Jeter manage the Yankees to a record eighth-straight World Series title, and in 2050 he stepped out of the machine to find a demented Jeter waiting for him with a shotgun and mumbling, “I’ve finally got you, A-Rod.”
- Anonymous sources told the AP that there may be no written explanation of the Ryan Braun case, in which his 50-game drug suspension was overturned by an arbitrator due to mishandling of evidence. “I’ve heard some nasty rumors,” said the arbitrator, “and I want to state on record that it’s not because I can’t write. It’s because I can’t read. I can write just fine, but it all comes out gibberish.”
- As the first round comes to an end in the NHL playoffs, the Rangers forced a Game 7 with the Senators after a grueling 3-2 win, and the Coyotes eliminated the Blackhawks in six with a 4-0 victory. By the way, in case anyone didn’t think Canada was a boring country, here are the nicknames of their seven NHL teams: Canadiens, Jets, Canucks, Oilers, Maple Leafs, Flames, and Senators.
- Virginia Tech fired head basketball coach Seth Greenberg after nine years. When the news became public, the NCAA tournament selection committee released a puzzling statement saying that despite his departure, Greenberg isn’t getting off the bubble that easily.
- Oklahoma City listed James Harden as “day-to-day” after taking an elbow to the head from Metta World Peace. In an attempt to take control of the narrative, the Lakers PR staff released a statement saying that Metta World Peace is also day-to-day after being hit viciously in the elbow by James Harden’s head.
- With a 124-89 win over the Trail Blazers behind Tim Duncan’s 18 points, the Spurs clinched the no. 1 seed in the Western Conference. The win was even more impressive considering that the Spurs were slightly annoyed with each other at the start of the game due to a spirited game of bingo earlier that afternoon.
- After an hour-long ceremony, high school center Tony Parker committed to UCLA, giving the Bruins the nation’s top incoming class over Kentucky. However, it doesn’t bode well for the Bruins that it took Parker an entire hour and the support of friends and family to say the four letters, “U-C-L-A.”
- When asked about the departure of the New Jersey Nets for Brooklyn, governor Chris Christie spared no sentiment. “Good riddance,” he said. He then sat down and made a list of other cool things about New Jersey to lift his spirits, but stopped after writing “Swamps?” because a lumbering man in a tracksuit came in to collect his protection money.