About Last Night: Seahawks Livin’ On A Prayer
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Marshawn Lynch rushed for 115 yards and a touchdown as the Seahawks kept their playoff dreams alive with a 30-13 win over the Rams. Wait, did I say “playoff'” I meant “pipe.”
- Sources have reported that there is a renewed push to strike a deal that would send Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Clippers. It wasn’t totally clear from the article, but just from context clues I think I’ve put together that the “Clippers” are a sort of traveling exhibition minor league basketball team. Like the Harlem Globetrotters, except instead of zany gaffes set to music, the Clippers feature a series of horrible injuries.
- While they push for Paul, the Clippers claimed veteran guard Chauncey Billups off waiver wires. “I just got in off the waiver wires,” said Billups upon arriving in Los Angeles, “and boy is my right armpit sore! Get it?! Like I was hanging on an actual wire by my right armpit? C’mon, don’t leave, I’ve got a few more. You guys into magic?”
- After meeting with new Magic CEO Alex Martins, Dwight Howard seemed to soften his demand to be traded. Team executives said the star center has downgraded his status to “persistently urging a trade,” and that they’re hopeful it will be further reduced to “just hating the f— out of Orlando” later this week.
- The Miami Dolphins fired head coach Tony Sparano. Obla-Di.
- The Kansas City Chiefs fired head coach Todd Haley. Obla-Dah.
- The Los Angeles Kings fired head coach Terry Murray. Life goes on…LAAAAA!!!!!!
That was lazy, wasn’t it? Let’s try again.
- The Miami Dolphins fired head coach Tony Sparano. Or at least we think they did. At the end of the announcement, there was a weird blackout right at the critical moment. But based on some of the earlier symbolism of the press conference, I’m pretty sure he got fired.
- The Kansas City Chiefs fired head coach Todd Haley. Or at least we think they did. It was hard to hear the end of the announcement over Haley’s enraged screaming, which honestly has not stopped as of 8:41 this morning.
- The Los Angeles Kings fired head coach Terry Murray. Or at least we think they did. It’s hockey, and thus nearly impossible to confirm, but why would ESPN lie about something like that?
- Deidre Pujols, wife of slugger Albert, went on local radio to discuss her husband’s move to Los Angeles, and called the Cardinals’ initial five-year offer “an insult.” Later, she said, “it’s just like God put us on a team called the Angels.” Albert Pujols declined to comment, saying his speaking voice was embarrassingly high now that his testicles are in his wife’s pocket book.
- High school defensive tackle Tommy Schutt, an ESPNU top 150 recruit, decommitted from Penn State and chose Ohio State instead. “No big reason,” said Schutt, “I just thought Urban Meyer had my back. And not in a weird way, like San- well, it doesn’t matter. No need to name names. Should’ve just stopped that sentence right in its tracks. So much to learn. But I guess that’s what college is for, isn’t it? Unless you’re Jerry San- damnit, I’ve done it again.”
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