About Last Night: Ruh-Roh, Rafa

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thurday.

  • Lukas Rosol, virtually unknown in the tennis world, upset Rafael Nadal in the second round at Wimbledon, prevailing with a spectacular fifth set on center court. Things took an ugly turn late in the fourth set when Nadal began to “accidentally” dump clay that he keeps hidden in various parts of his body onto the Wimbledon grass.
  • The New Orleans Hornets selected Kentucky star Anthony Davis with the first pick of the 2012 NBA draft, with Michael Kidd-Gilchrist going second to the Bobcats and Florida’s Bradley Beal going to the Wizards with the third pick. This was the worst possible outcome for Davis, who tried to put on a brave face despite his crippling phobia of old-timey riverboats and sassy card-playing women in outrageous hoop skirts.
  • The Chicago White Sox beat the Yankees 4-3, but Derek Jeter tied Cal Ripken Jr. for 13th place on the all-time hits list with a single in the seventh inning. “This will hopefully end a year’s worth of hate mail I’ve received from Mr. Ripken,” said Jeter, “who thought he was being anonymous by signing his letters ‘Fe-Man,’ but who also included a return address sticker on each envelope.”
  • Madison Bumgarner threw his first career complete game, allowing one hit and no runs as the Giants notched their fourth straight shutout in a 5-0 win over the Reds. “Fascists!” yelled a group of ultra-liberal protesters in San Francisco, who don’t understand baseball and only heard that the team had been discriminating against runs.
  • Eccentric Italian striker Mario Balotelli scored two first-half goals to give his team a 2-1 upset over Germany and a berth in Sunday’s Euro 2012 final against Spain. “Tonight, I hunt with the cats of Warsaw!” he whispered after the match, which nobody either on his team or in the media cared to consider too deeply.
  • Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton, U.S. cyclists who have admitted to using PEDs, will be part of the prosecution’s doping case against Lance Armstrong. “Et tu, Floyd?” asked Armstrong, before breaking down in laughter. “Come on, that’s funny. Floyd is a funny name. Can we just take a second to acknowledge that? That Floyd is a comical first name for a person? And that when you combine it with a famous Shakespearean line, the context just gets more hilarious? That’s good comedy right there. Someone should expand on that. Not me, though. I’ve got some bad stuff going on with this cycling business. Some sensitive people, you know? Who cares what happened a few years ago? Well, apparently Floyd does. God, that name again! It kills me. Seriously, though, I’m f—ed.”
  • Felix Hernandez struck out 13 Red Sox over nine shutout innings, and the Mariners finally scored on a walk-off single by John Jaso in the ninth to win 1-0. “It’s about time!” yelled Hernandez, when the winning run came across. Later, he apologized to his teammates. “I shouldn’t have said that, but I am just done with being a Mariner, you know?” Manager Eric Wedge nodded. “I’m totally with you. It’s just getting super old,” he said. “I’m right there myself,” said some dude from Nintendo, who owns the team. “Getting sick of the same shit every day.” General manager Jack Zduriencik started to be all, “um, guys, shouldn’t we be posit— ” but everyone was like, “GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM, NARC!”
  • Jose Bautista hit his 14th home run in June, which ties the highest total by an AL player in the last 20 years, but Mark Trumbo and Mike Trout hit homers of their own to give the Angels a 9-7 win over the Jays. Afterward, Trumbo and Trout sat anxiously by the computer, hoping the homers would help sell more tickets to their upcoming old-timey comic duo show, Trumbo & Trout, where they play an old buffoon and his frustrated sidekick.
  • Michael Phelps won the 200-meter butterfly at the U.S. Olympic trials, and is on course to participate in eight events in London. “I get it now,” said a chastened Jared, thinking back to the Subway ads. “I get why he had to eat the whole sub. I feel like such an idiot for getting mad.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Anthony Davis, Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox, Euro 2012, Felix Hernandez, NBA Draft, New Orleans Hornets, New York Yankees, Rafael Nadal, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Mariners, Wimbledon

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere