About Last Night: Ronaldo’s Last-Minute Miracle

RonaldoIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

Note: Due to an ongoing labor dispute at Grantland, today’s joke will be written by a group of replacement writers called up from the Grantland’s Division III staff in Des Moines, Iowa.

  • Cristiano Ronaldo’s 90th-minute goal completed a stunning comeback as Real Madrid topped Manchester City 3-2 in Champions League group play. Hey, are we sure this guy isn’t named Ronaldo McDonaldo? Because after that match, those Real Madrid players must have had one heck of a happy meal!
  • The Baltimore Orioles won their 14th straight extra-inning game, beating the Mariners 4-2 on Taylor Teagarden’s go-ahead RBI single in the 18th. Teagarden? Let’s just be glad he’s not called FARTgarden, am I right? Because only one flower grows there: The Peee-yu-tunia!
  • Miguel Cabrera bashed two home runs as the Tigers beat the A’s 12-2. Hey, I know a lot of people think the A’s stand for Athletics, but no, it stands for A-wful at baseball. When Billy Beane said he was going to play Moneyball, who knew he meant Monopoly money? And instead of Park Place, it looks like he bought Last Place. With a hotel!
  • Astro-nomical? More like Astro-comical! Kyle Lohse pitched seven shutout innings to give the Cardinals a 4-1 win and deal the Astros their 100th loss … of the season, that is! Houston, we have a problem, and the only solution is a certain rocket that has never launched from mission control. Maybe you’ve heard of him: Roger Clemens.
  • Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar was suspended three games for displaying a gay slur on his eye black last Saturday. [Editor's Note: This joke has been redacted due to the fact that the writer is a huge Yunel Escobar fan who has pictures with him on Facebook and started a fan site called "The Esco-Barrio!"]
  • Falcons running Michael Turner was arrested and charged with a DUI just hours after Atlanta’s win over Denver on Monday night. Hey look, another example of Big Brother extending its slime tentacles into the life of a private citizen. Turner may have been pulled over by a police car, but the truth is that he’s just the latest victim of the police state. If the government would just leave heroes like Turner alone, nobody would ever get hurt and we’d be able to determine for ourselves which of us are true FREEDOM AMERICANS and which are DIRTY- [Editor's Note: We're cutting this guy off right here. We're really, really sorry about this whole thing.]
  • As the NFL’s replacement referees continue to take heat for their poor performance, one former ref blasted Roger Goodell, saying the commissioner doesn’t care about the quality of officiating, and that it’s only going to get worse. And now, Timothy the Grantland Division III Robot: “MEEEEBUUU BEEEEEMUUUUU UMMBBBBBUUUUU PENIS MEEEBBUUUUU RABA-RABA-RABA-RABA-RABA POOP.”
  • A series of e-mails and depositions released this week as part of a class action lawsuit revealed that NCAA leaders have been agonizing over their controversial policies, including no pay-for-play and the use of the term student athlete. But until they do something in public, the NCAA will still be known to the rest of us as the No Accountability At All Association. And that sanction will never be repealed. Unless they do something in public. But they won’t, because they’re the No Accountability At All Association. And that sanction will never be repealed.
  • The Anschultz Entertainment Group, which owns the L.A. Kings, the L.A. Galaxy, and the Staples Center, is officially for sale. I’ll tell you who’s not for sale: YUNEL F’ING ESCOBAR! HE’S THE GREATEST! YUNEL-4-LIFE, WELCOME TO THE ESCO-BARRIO BABY! JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED! [Editor's Note: Again, we're so, so sorry about this.]

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Orioles, Cristiano Ronaldo, Detroit Tigers, Houston Astros, Los Angeles Kings, Manchester City, Oakland A's, Real Madrid, Seattle Mariners, St. Louis Cardinals, Toronto Blue Jays

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere