About Last Night: Remember the Alamo
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota accounted for 386 total yards as the no. 10 Ducks routed the Texas Longhorns, 30-7, in the final game of Mack Brown’s Texas career. “Not exactly how I wanted to go out,” said a downcast Brown, who, along with the Alamo Bowl loss, had accidentally worn a children’s T-shirt that read “Austin’s no. 1 Cheese Fan” on the front.
- Yesterday was Black Monday in the NFL, and the firing action came hot and heavy. Mike Shanahan? CANNED. Jim Schwartz? GONEZO. Leslie Frazier? BUH-BYE. Rob Chudzinski? AXED. Greg Schiano? COMPLETE ASSHOLE. (Also, fired.)
- After a blown call on a field goal attempt likely cost his team a spot in the playoffs, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said “there’s a lot of work [to do]” in regard to the NFL’s officials. NFL vice-president of officiating Dean Blandino retorted that there was also “a lot of work [to do]” in regard to coaches illegally obstructing players while on the sideline. Fired Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano was the last to chime in, shouting, “You’re all Schiano men!” and then, for some reason, saluting.
- After suffering a concussion that sidelined him for almost a month, Broncos receiver Wes Welker has been medically cleared to play in Denver’s first postseason game. “There are some minor issues with Wes running in wrong directions for unpredictable reasons, and he seems to be operating under the misconception that jock straps are to be worn as blindfolds,” said Broncos team doctor Hugh Godfrey. “But Roger Goodell said he’d fine us if Wes didn’t play. His bloodlust is strong right now.”
- The Louisville Cardinals cut Chane Behanan for violating university policy, with head coach Rick Pitino saying he “just did not do the right thing over and over and over.” There was no audio recording of Pitino’s quote, so it’s hard to tell whether he sang the words “over and over and over” like Morrissey in the Smiths’ classic “I Know It’s Over.” But it’s not impossible, so to hell with you and your judge-y fat face.
- Bo Wallace threw for 256 yards and a touchdown as the Ole Miss Rebels beat Georgia Tech, 25-17, in the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl. This particular bowl game is unique in the sense that Wallace was actually able to “borrow” most of his yards from Franklin American at subprime rates, getting as many as 10 to 15 yards for simply kneeling down with the ball, and even picking up smaller five-yard chunks for just taking a snap in the shotgun and punting the ball backward. It’s wonderful for Wallace now, since a player of his limited athletic means could never have gained that many yards on his own, but the big worry is that next season, when the rates of repayment change per the deal he signed, he’s going to owe Franklin American more than 1,000 yards for this game alone, and will have to pay it back with 20- to-30 yard plays at a time. If he can’t do it, which is likely since he was never that good, he’ll have to “close” on football by quitting the game, at which point his credibility will be shot and he’ll never have a chance to play again. That’s not just bad for Wallace, though; Florida coach Will Muschamp actually owns some of Wallace’s yards, in a combination package with the subprime yards of several other football players who borrowed at ridiculous rates last night, and if the yardage bubble bursts at the same time for those players next year, he could lose thousands of yards and have to repay them from his own team, which barely produces yards at all. Incidentally, he bought this collateralized yardage debt package from Nick Saban.
- Navy defeated Middle Tennessee, 24-6, in the Armed Forces Bowl, which led to a renewed round of questioning from scholars as to whether we really need a Middle Tennessee branch of the U.S. Military.
- Perry Ellis scored 21 points while Andrew Wiggins and Naadir Tharpe chipped in with 20 apiece as the no. 16 Kansas Jayhawks dealt Toledo its first loss of the season, 93-83. “Gentlemen, I do believe we have found our spokespeople,” said Alistair Self of the English hosiery firm Ellis, Wiggins, Tharpe, and Self.