About Last Night: Red Wings Play Giant Killer

In case you were busy not making up with Sergio Garcia, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • Detroit overcame a Patrick Kane third-period goal, as the Red Wings topped the Chicago Blackhawks, 3-1, to take a 2-1 series lead in their Western Conference semifinal matchup. Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville held himself responsible for the loss, explaining, “I motivated our team before Game 1 by having them all watch Ridley Scott’s Gladiator. Worked like a charm. Then I’m like, boom, stick with Scott, but emphasize teamwork: Black Hawk Down. But they all got hung up on the title. Mixed message on my part. OK, Game 3, Prometheus. Huge mistake. Movie makes no sense. Totally lost control of the team.” When asked if there were any actual tactical or line adjustments he would implement, Quenneville said, “I’m this close to going with Thelma & Louise before Game 4 just to mix things up.”
  • Indiana Pacers head coach Frank Vogel responded to comments made by Miami Heat forward LeBron James, in which James said Vogel had shown insufficient respect for the Heat franchise, saying he has, “Great respect for LBJ and the champs.” James responded to these most recent comments from Vogel, saying, “Oh he has great respect for us, does he? Like we’re some sort of piece of art in a museum? Well that’s over the line, buddy. Walk it back, or face the wrath of the king.” When told of James’s response, Vogel sighed and said, “Really? Um, fine, I admire and think that the squad as currently constituted is impressive. Is that better?” When told of Vogel’s response, James punched a wall in anger and yelled, “As currently constituted? Like we’re one damn injury away from being a bunch of middle schoolers playing patty-cake with our tea sets? Well you tell that son of a bitch I don’t own a tea set anymore, and I haven’t in years.” When told that James doesn’t own a tea set anymore, and that he hasn’t in years, Vogel squinted and asked, “Is he just messing me with me? I mean, I think we have a chance to beat them, but I don’t think LeBron James is a little girl who plays tea.” When told of Vogel’s response, James threw a tea cup at Chris Bosh and screamed, “I am a little girl who plays tea! Fine! I admit it! Now I have to go out there and humiliate his team like he humiliated me.” James then went to take a sip of tea, before remembering that he had already destroyed his tea cup, and angrily threw his saucer at an already woozy Bosh.
  • Embattled Los Angeles Dodgers manager Don Mattingly responded to rumors that he is on the hot seat by saying, “I’m still here.” Mattingly went on to add, “But that’s only because of the heat of the chair I am on has melted my butt flesh, fusing it with the seat itself. So while sitting is incredibly painful, I can only imagine that standing up and leaving would make my butt-pain situation far worse.”
  • Yan Gomes hit a walk-off home run in the 10th inning as the Cleveland Indians finished a four-game sweep of the Seattle Mariners with a 10-8 win. The Indians forced extra innings after Mariners closer Tom Wilhelmsen dropped what would have been the game-ending out while covering first base. “It felt like we were cursed out there all series,” said Mariners manager Eric Wedge. “I mean, what have Mariners ever done to Indians before?” Wedge then paused, and added, “Well, I didn’t mean that literally. This nation’s history is … um … yeah. Oh boy.”
  • Lefty Patrick Corbin recorded his first career complete game, recorded 10 strikeouts, and ran his record to 7-0 as the Arizona Diamondbacks beat the Colorado Rockies, 5-1, at Coors Field. Corbin became the first visiting starter to throw a complete game with double-digit strikeouts at Coors Field since Kevin Brown did so in 1998 as a member of the San Diego Padres, which brings us to the first installment of a new About Last Night feature entitled “Even Though His Career Ended Ignominiously, Kevin Brown Was Way Better Than You Remember.” Guys, even though his career ended ignominiously, Kevin Brown was way better than you remember. Thus concludes the first edition of “Even Though His Career Ended Ignominiously, Kevin Brown Was Way Better Than You Remember.”
  • Dwight Howard reportedly complained to Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak in a closed-door meeting that he was misused by coach Mike D’Antoni, and that his voice was deemed marginal compared to those of his MVP-winning teammates, Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant. However, given what is known of Howard, it is easy to dismiss these allegations as a misinterpretation of an artist at work. Howard was clearly employing his ironic “blame everyone other than Dwight, even when Dwight is clearly part of the problem” method of personal pranking. If there is a criticism to be leveled at Howard it is that he is too committed to his art, not allowing his audience to access his brilliant self-indicting social commentary.
  • Real Madrid has announced that manager Jose “The Special One” Mourinho will depart the club at the conclusion of the La Liga season. Rumors have Mourinho returning to London side Chelsea, where the team owner, Russian oligarch and noted yacht owner Roman Abramovich, has reportedly had the following exchange with Mourinho:

    Roman Abromovich: When you were here before, I couldn’t look you in the eye.

    Jose Mourinho: I’m just like an angel.

    RA: Your skin makes me cry.

    JM: What?

    RA: You float like a feather, in a beautiful world.

    JM: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    RA: I wish I was special. You’re so very special.

    JM: That’s true, but this is getting weird.

    RA: I’m a creep.

    JM: Yes.

    RA: I’m a weirdo.

    JM: What the hell am I doing here?

    RA: I don’t belong here.

    JM: This is your yacht; look, fine, whatever, cut a big enough check and I’ll come.

    RA: I don’t care if it hurts.

    JM: I wanna have control.

    RA: I want a perfect body.

    JM: OK, you don’t have to mock me.

    RA: I want a perfect soul.

    JM: That level of sarcasm is needlessly cruel. Just, I want you to notice what happened when I’m not around.

    RA: You’re so fucking special.

    JM: Yes.

    RA: I wish I were special.

    JM: You aren’t.

    RA: I’m a creep.

    JM: This again?

    RA: I’m a weirdo.

    JM: That’s increasingly apparent. Seriously, what the hell am I doing here? Maybe I don’t belong here.

    RA: Oh. Oh! Sheeeeeeeeeeee’s running out the door.

    JM: Is that a gendered taunt?

    RA: Sheeeee’s running out.

    JM: Oh, this is something much scarier isn’t it?

    RA: She run, run, run, run. Runnnnnnnn!

    [Mourinho heads for the exit, realizes he's miles from land. Sits grumpily on an Italian racing seat. Abramovich dances like this for far too long.]

    JM: Do your worst, Roman.

    RA: Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You’re so fuckin’ special. I wish I was special.

    JM: I’m not getting off this yacht, am I?

    RA: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo.

    JM: What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.

    [Mourinho agrees to contractual terms, then denies he did so under great duress.]

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arizona Diamondbacks, Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians, Colorado Rockies, Detroit Red Wings, Dwight Howard, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James, Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Real Madrid, Seattle Mariners

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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