About Last Night: Rays Turn Up the Heat

In case you were busy confronting your ultimate nemesis, Wichael, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • In an AL East showdown, Tampa starter David Price threw a five-hit gem, leading the Rays to a 5-1 win over the Boston Red Sox. The win was Price’s third complete game in his past four starts, which Rays closer Fernando Rodney called “kind of disrespectful. It’s like he doesn’t trust me. And yeah, I’ve made mistakes. But that was in the past. That’s no reason to push me out of your life.” Rodney dropped his head. “I just respect him so much, and I wish we could see eye to eye again.”
  • Landon Donovan continued his resurgent play and the U.S. men’s national team advanced to the Gold Cup final with a 3-1 win over Honduras. There they won’t face rival Mexico, which fell 2-1 to Panama in the other semifinal. “We’re rivals too!” said Panama, balling up its fists and kicking at the dirt. America chuckled derisively, and said, “Oh kid, sure you are,” before mussing Panama’s hair. This just served to further anger Panama, which began swinging wildly at the United States, which defended itself by putting the palm of its hand on Panama’s forehead, leaving Panama too far away to land a blow.
  • Braves starter Tim Hudson suffered a gruesome ankle injury in a collision with Eric Young Jr. that will keep him out for the season in Atlanta’s Pyrrhic 8-2 victory over the New York Mets. “I feel terrible,” an inconsolable Young said after the game. “It should have been me. Or anyone on our team. That’s why the Mets exist. So that this sort of thing doesn’t happen to everybody.”
  • When asked who the best player in the NBA is, Bulls point guard Derrick Rose, who missed last season recovering from an ACL tear, answered “Derrick Rose.” He then added, “I’m sorry, what was the question? Who am I? Was it who am I? I’m Derrick Rose.” When the question was repeated, Rose correctly answered “LeBron James, obviously, but I’m in the top five. Oh man, did I answer Derrick Rose to that a second ago? You got that on tape didn’t you? This is going to be a thing isn’t it? Please don’t make this a thing.”
  • In a puzzling decision that has only heaped more woe upon the beleaguered slugger, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez enlisted the assistance of Dr. Michael Gross to dispute his team’s claims that he was injured. It later turned out that Gross has never met Rodriguez, and their arrangement may have violated the league’s CBA. Rodriguez tried to assign blame for the situation, saying, “Would you believe me if I said ghosts told me to do it? Or like a Dracula-type guy? Who was crashing on my couch and giving me bad advice? Or maybe Mickey Mantle? Because it was definitely one or more of those three.” The vampiric ghost of Mickey Mantle had no official comment on the matter, though he insinuated that he would prefer if Rodriguez would stop alluding to a connection between himself and the vampire ghost as it was giving the vampiric ghost of Mickey Mantle a bad name.
  • Jered Weaver struck out nine and allowed only two hits in eight strong innings as the Angels made a first-inning RBI from Albert Pujols stand up in a 1-0 win over the Minnesota Twins. “We were sitting fastball all day,” said Twins slugger Justin Morneau, “and the guy didn’t throw one. Seriously, nothing over 87.” When told that Weaver’s fastball sits at 87, Morneau scrunched up his face and added, “No, but seriously, guy didn’t throw a single fastball. Baffling.”
  • Yasiel Puig had three hits, scored the tying run in the ninth inning, and blasted a 10th-inning home run as the scorching hot Dodgers beat the Toronto Blue Jays 8-3 at Rogers Centre. “You come all the way to Canada, and it’s just the same,” Puig lamented after the game, as he sipped a cup of decaf coffee in a Tim Hortons well after midnight. “This country has its own culture, and history, and what do we see of that? Nothing. Just another hotel, another locker room, another 90 feet from base to base to base to home. Story of my life.” The Tim Hortons night clerk he was talking to interrupted him, “I’d trade lives with you man, I’d do that in an instant.” Puig considered it for a second, thought about disappearing into the world of Canadian doughnuts. Who would find him? Would anyone recognize him? But he realized it would never work. “Sorry pal,” Puig said sadly before throwing the young man a handful of loonies, “I’d say that’s the best I can do, but we’d both know I was lying.”
  • Brazilian legend Ronaldinho joined an elite fraternity, becoming just the seventh man to win both the UEFA Champions League and the Copa Libertadores as Atletico Mineiro reversed a 2-0 deficit before defeating Olimpia of Paraguay 4-3 on penalty kicks. The previous six winners of both competitions of course were Ron, Ronald, Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldin, and Carlos Tevez.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alex Rodriguez, Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose, Los Angeles Angels, Los Angeles Dodgers, Minnesota Twins, New York Yankees, Tampa Bay Rays, Toronto Blue Jays

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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