In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Albert Pujols objected to billboards in the Los Angeles area calling him “El Hombre.” The words mean “the man,” and Pujols would rather not use that nickname in deference to Cardinals legend Stan “The Man” Musial. The Angels quickly agreed, and had the billboards replaced with new ones that read: “Albert Pujols: Mejor que Stan Musial, el gran estupido!”
- Derrick Rose told reporters that he never asked Bulls management to trade Carlos Boozer for Pau Gasol, and that all rumors to that effect are untrue. “I did ask them to trade Boozer for silks and spices,” Rose told a baffled media, “but that was less about Boozer and more about my insatiable appetite for frankincense. If I close my eyes, I can smell it now, and I’m in heaven.”
- Jeremy Lin, an Asian American point guard who graduated from Harvard, scored 17 points and dished out nine assists as the Knicks beat the Hawks 99-82. Lin’s appearance on the national stage is expected to be a brief footnote that provokes no controversy or extended dialogue or wacky puns.
- Andrew Bynum had 19 points and 14 rebounds, and Pau Gasol had 24 points of his own, as the Lakers topped the Mavericks 96-91.The score would have been even higher, but the teams spent most of the third quarter gathered at halfcourt, complaining about their aching bodies and disrespectful kids while a nurse brought them apple sauce. Also, Jason Kidd had an accident.
- No. 6 Michigan State maintained its conference lead with a 66-61 win over Minnesota. “I’m happy with the win,” said head coach Tom Izzo, “but also relieved. We were damn close to breaking the 70-point barrier and being kicked out of the Big Ten by the famous ‘No Fanciful Showboating City Ball’ rule.” Unfortunately, Michigan State star Draymond Green was suspended for the season for dribbling between his legs.
- No. 18 Notre Dame extended its winning streak to nine games with a 71-44 rout over West Virginia. I know this is a pretty sensitive time in terms of race, creed, and religion, but I can’t help thinking the team is using papist sorcery to win basketball games. If I were alone, I’d shut up, but
MichelleMichele Bachmann thinks I’m on to something.
- Tiger Woods won his first-round match against Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano in the Accenture Match Play Championship, prevailing with a 10-foot par putt on 18. It was a remarkable triumph for Woods, who attributed the win to his unconventional new technique of forcing himself not to urinate for the entire round.
- Rangers GM Nolan Ryan said that the Rangers are behind Josh Hamilton as he recovers from a relapse into his alcohol and drugs addiction. “I was also addicted once,” said Ryan. “To strikeouts!” Loud dance music then began to play, and three merchandise tables with autographed Nolan Ryan posters and baseballs were brought out by bikini-clad women.
- UFC President Dana White said that Floyd Mayweather Jr. was “racist” for tweets he made two weeks ago about Jeremy Lin. This is the same Dana White, mind you, who used anti-gay slurs in a video rant in 2009 and routinely strong-arms his fighters into accepting low wages while he grows rich off pay-per-view revenue. In other words, John Rocker thinks they’re both good people and should embrace their similarities.