In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- An NCAA presidential oversight committee approved a four-team college football playoff that will take effect in 2014 and run at least through 2025. “I can’t wait for the looks on everyone’s faces when they realize the new system is just as corrupt and ineffective,” said one president, who kept rubbing his hands together excitedly. “Especially the older fans, when it dawns on them that they’ll probably be dead before anything changes.”
- Knicks forward Amar’e Stoudemire was fined $50,000 by the NBA for using a homophobic slur in a direct message to a fan who insulted him on Twitter. Most pundits came down hard against Stoudemire, though evangelical pastor Ted Haggard sent his own direct message encouraging the fan to enter a spiritual rehabilitation facility before he continued watching sports.
- The Charlotte Bobcats traded swingman Corey Maggette to the Detroit Pistons in exchange for Ben Gordon and a first-round draft pick in 2013. “I can’t believe they let such a great point guard go for so little, just because of a knee injury,” said an ecstatic Michael Jordan, clutching two champagne bottles. His staff nodded dutifully, aside from one new advisor, who took a tentative step forward. “Are you, uh are you maybe thinking of Derrick Rose? And the Bulls?” he asked. Jordan stared at him and began breathing heavily. “GET OUT!” he screamed. “GET OUT!”
- DeWayne Wise fooled an umpire into thinking he made a catch in foul territory, preserving Phil Hughes’s eight shutout innings in a game the Yankees won 6-4 against the Indians. “He was having a full-on conversation with the ball when he came up from the stands,” said umpire Mike DiMuro. “Could I see the ball? No. But I’m telling you, this talk was really intimate. Wise was saying things you just wouldn’t say if there was no ball there. Stuff about his parents, stuff about his deepest fears. What kind of sick bastard is he?”
- First-round action continued at Wimbledon Tuesday, with Serena Williams and Rafael Nadal advancing in straight sets. Midway through Nadal’s victory, rumors swirled across the Wimbledon grounds that an upper-class British fan had smiled, but thousands were disappointed when it turned out to be a grimace inspired by thoughts of another Labour prime minister.
- National League home run derby team captain Matt Kemp told reporters that he will not select Nationals rookie Bryce Harper to be part of the squad. “It’s his eyes, man,” said Kemp. “He’s got those real disturbing eyes, like he can see through your clothes or something. I don’t like the idea of someone seeing through my clothes. I’ve told him as much, but he just keeps staring.”
- Yu Darvish earned his seventh straight home win and his 10th overall, striking out 10 over seven innings as the Rangers beat the Tigers 7-5. After the game, violence broke out yet again between the pitcher’s rival fan sections, the “Busin-ISH-men” and the “Comm-YU-nists,” who have been asked repeatedly by a confused Rangers front office why they’ve chosen to conduct their class warfare in Arlington, and only during Darvish’s starts.
- Bronson Arroyo took a no-hit bid into the eighth, and Drew Stubbs hit the game-winning home run in the bottom of the inning, to give Cincinnati a 4-3 win over the Brewers. Fans in Milwaukee were delirious with excitement during the comeback, but grew despondent when the town crier climbed the city tower once more to tell them that the game had ended.
- Speaking at Madame Tussauds in New York, where his own wax figure was unveiled, Carmelo Anthony said that “my time is coming” to win a championship. “But today is all about the wax,” Anthony continued. “Whether you enjoy looking at these wonderful statues, putting a fancy seal on an important letter, or melting it into liquid form to drip on a partner as part of consensual sadomasochistic sexual play, wax is truly one of nature’s greatest compounds.”