About Last Night: Penn State Hits Reset
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Patriots offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien has agreed to be the next head coach of Penn State. “I’m thrilled to be taking my dream job,” O’Brien told reporters. “What happened to Joe Paterno, though?”
- Three Sun Belt referees could face a suspension after failing to recognize that Louisiana-Lafayette had six players on the court just before the team made a game-winning layup to defeat Western Kentucky. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated incident; after reviewing tape from the last two March Madness tournaments, NCAA officials have discovered that Butler teams has been playing six men the entire time.
- In yet another close game at Assembly Hall, Christian Watford scored 25 points as no. 12 Indiana topped no. 13 Michigan 73-71. It was a strong showing by Michigan on the road, but afterward some pundits questioned coach John Beilein’s decision to go conservative and only play four guys at once.
- Despite missing LeBron James and Dwayne Wade due to injury, Chris Bosh and the Heat still managed to beat the Hawks in triple overtime, 116-109. Despite being on the bench, though, James still lost total control of his bladder in the fourth quarter.
- The San Antonio Spurs maintained their unbeaten home record, holding Dirk Nowitzki to just six points in a 93-71 win. “My main goal was to occupy the middle and try to force him to beat me from the outside,” Tim Duncan said after the game. “That way, I could make him vulnerable to the counter-attack.” He continued in this vein for several minutes before reporters realized he was talking about his latest correspondence chess match, and not the game.
- Oklahoma quarterback Landry Jones announced that he’ll stay with the Sooners for his senior season. Explaining his decision, Jones said, “it’s always fascinating to see how Bob Stoops will blow the next big game. I’m hoping next year it has something to do with accidentally punting on second down.”
- Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels has been filed, and includes perks like a hotel suite for all away games, a marketing agreement, a post-retirement package, and milestone bonuses. Oddly enough, there’s also a clause that says he’s not allowed to eat chicken. Like, ever.
- The Sacramento Kings fired head coach Paul Westphal after a 2-5 start, and will replace him with Keith Smart. It wasn’t until after the contract was signed that panicked Kings executives realized “Smart” was a real last name, and not a nickname someone gave him because he was really brilliant.
- Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein told reporters that the team traded Carlos Zambrano due to a “breakdown of trust.” It seems the team hired a private investigator, and the PI produced photos of Zambrano wearing a fake mustache and pitching for a recreational league under the pseudonym “David Wells.”
Okay: Last week’s Elvis trivia contest was so wildly successful, eliciting literally tens of emails (10 exactly), that we’re going to start a new thing called “Participation Friday.” Every Friday, I’ll put a question or request out to the Internet, and I’ll post the best responses Monday. Participation is, after all, the cornerstone of democracy.
This week’s installment: Send me your best animal fact. True ones preferred, but a good fake one is also acceptable. Email firstname.lastname@example.org for a chance to win.
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