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About Last Night: Payton Still a Saint

PaytonIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • According to sources, Saints owner Tom Benson is backing head coach Sean Payton despite accusations that he maintained a bounty program to injure opponents. “I think Sean Payton is great! Beep-Beep-Beeeeeeeep! No problems here! Beeeeeeeeep-Beep-Beep” he said loudly. It took code-breakers all night, but they finally realized Benson was using Morse code to deliver a hidden message: “Bounty on me, please help, they have my wife.”
  • Redskins players came out in support of former assistant Gregg Williams, insisting that while he gave money for big hits and good plays, there was never a bounty system to reward anyone for injuring an opponent. “He would also pay us $1,000 if we threw water in his face and called him ‘Little Linda’ until he cried,” said one former player. “But I’m pretty sure that was unrelated.”
  • In a scintillating night of March Madness, four tickets to the Big Dance were punched. Davidson topped Western Carolina in two overtimes, no. 18 St. Mary’s edged no. 25 Gonzaga in one OT, VCU nipped Drexel, and Loyola squeaked by Fairfield. But as we know, the excitement of March is a double-edged sword, and four Gonzaga players tragically succumbed to the Madness Epidemic in the second half. They were removed from the floor by security, screaming about “brackets of fire” and attempting to tear out their own hair.
  • Syracuse has self-reported potential drug policy violations by the basketball team. Apparently, players as far back as 2001 may have suited up for the Orange despite being ineligible. One former player, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said, “it was just more bearable to have sex with Laurie Fine if you dropped some ecstasy first.”
  • Arian Foster and the Houston Texans agreed to a new five-year deal worth a reported $43.5 million. In a really terrible PR move, the team immediately started a website called “ArianTexans.com,” with the tagline, “Our Race to Win!”
  • Jason Kidd said the Mavericks (who lost to the Thunder 95-91) aren’t looked upon as champs by league officials, and haven’t received the benefit of the doubt on close calls. In fact, he said, the only place where the Mavs got the benefit of the doubt was at an Oklahoma City movie theater, where they were given the senior citizen rate without having to show a picture ID.
  • In his first at-bat with the Angels, Albert Pujols hit an RBI double as the Angels topped the A’s 9-1 in spring training action. To be totally fair, the hit came off the ceremonial first pitch of a local 92-year-old World War II veteran, and Pujols probably shouldn’t have been at the plate, but I guess that’s splitting hairs.
  • A U.S. District Court judge ruled that Mets owner Fred Wilpon will have to pay $83.3 million in funds lost as result of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, and may lose up to $303 million more in a mid-March court case. Alternatively, the judge suggested, the Mets could pay him just $40 million, and give him, like, six months or so for some stock market scenarios to play out, after which the return could be up to 10 times the original investment and they may not have to pay another dime! Wilpon immediately agreed.
  • More NFL franchise tags were announced yesterday, as the Patriots franchised Wes Welker, the Colts franchised Robert Mathis, and the Saints franchised Drew Brees. In Philadelphia, Eagles head coach Andy Reid ignored the advice of his assistants and chose to franchise his favorite food truck in downtown Philadelphia, “The Beef Patrol.”