In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- In a battle of top AFC teams, Tom Brady threw for 296 yards and four touchdowns as the Patriots routed the Texans, 42-14. In a rare display of public emotion, Bill Belichick told reporters that putting the damper on a feel-good story like the Texans was “better than Viagra.”
- Robert Griffin III’s injury is a grade 1 LCL sprain, and it’s unclear whether he’ll play this weekend in Cleveland, a city suffering from grade 3 economic rating, against the Browns, who were just downgraded from “ungraded” to “degraded.”
- Sources reported that the seven Catholic, non-FBS football schools in the Big East (DePaul, Villanova, Marquette, St. John’s, Georgetown, Providence, Seton Hall) met with conference commissioner Mike Aresco to discuss their concerns, and that there’s a possibility they’ll form a majority alliance and attempt to disband the conference and form their own basketball league stretching across the northern cities. “We’ve still got Tulane, so I’m cool,” said Aresco, just before dropping a series of smoke capsules that failed to go off.
- The Dodgers signed pitcher Zack Greinke to a six-year deal worth approximately $147 million. “Yikes, that seems like a lot,” said Greinke. “Good job, agent, I guess. But I mean man, I’m worried about this team. $147 million? For me? Ugh.”
- In professional hockety news, talks will resume between the union and owners on Wednesday. Wait a second — it’s hockety, right? Or is it just hockey? Why can’t I remember this? Hockety. Hockey. Hockety. Hockey. I honestly can’t tell.
- The 49ers suspended running back Brandon Jacobs for the last three games of the season, following a series of social media posts complaining about his playing time, including one tweet where he said he was “rotting away.” That particular post angered Jacobs’s main sponsor, Little Debbie, who forced Jacobs to release a grainy video of himself eating a dozen snack cakes in a public restroom. “Actually, the public restroom was his idea,” a Little Debbie spokesman said. “And we really wish he’d chosen a different location.”
- The Trail Blazers beat the Raptors, 92-74, despite setting an NBA record with an 0-20 mark from three-point range, and Raptors forward Amir Johnson threw his mouthguard at a referee after being ejected for trying to grab the ball from him before a Portland free throw. Late in the third quarter, the PA announcer pre-emptively told all remaining fans that there would be no refunds, and that police had already formed a cordon around the building to prevent rioting.
- In a slow night for college basketball, no. 15 Georgetown improved to 8-1 on the season with an easy win over Longwood, highlighted by Otto Porter’s 22 points and seven assists. He should not be confused with the Auto-Porter, my new invention of a mechanical donkey-like creature programmed to carry your bags at hotels. (Patent pending, so don’t even think about stealing it.)
- LeBron James scored 27 points, grabbed seven boards, and dished out six assists as the Heat topped the Hawks, 101-92. For my last joke, I’ve invited Shane Ryan from Dec. 11, 2011, to chime in: “Too bad LeBron still can’t win a title. I guess that’s what you want me to say, right? Sorry if I’m being cynical, but I have a feeling the whole reason I’m being asked to write a joke about LeBron a year in the future is that he actually wins a title in 2012 and I’ll look stupid, or something. Is that what’s happening? If so, great work. Great gimmick, Shane Ryan from December 2012. Really well-thought-out. By the way, have you lost any weight?”
OH, MAN, what an idiot! LeBron won a title this year, Shane Ryan 2011! Ha! Classic. What a classic moment. As for that weight
[Drops smoke capsules, which fail to go off.]