About Last Night: Ozzie’s Tongue Twister

GuillenIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The Miami Marlins suspended manager Ozzie Guillen five games for positive comments he made about Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Right before Guillen went out to address the media, a frantic PR person desperately tried to convince him to take off the green military cap and lose the cigar. “Oh come onnnn,” said Guillen. “It’ll be hilarious!” When the items were confiscated, he frowned and began to think.
  • The University of Arkansas fired football coach Bobby Petrino for hiring his mistress unfairly and lying about their relationship to administrators following his now-infamous motorcycle accident. “It’s the Bay of Pigs all over again,” Ozzie Guillen whispered dramatically when he heard the news, spotting a very loose connection between the word “pigs” and the Razorback mascot, but otherwise making no sense at all.
  • Mark Cuban said that a halftime argument he had with Lamar Odom about commitment was the final straw in the Mavericks’ decision to sever ties with him. “The Cuban revolution!” whispered a frightened Guillen, finding yet another tenuous word link that held no deeper meaning.
  • A Raul Ibanez double in the 12th inning proved to be the game-winning hit as the Yankees topped the Orioles 5-4. “Raul is the name of Castro’s brother!” hissed Guillen, who by this point had fashioned an aluminum-foil helmet and prepared a totally insane chart titled “CONNECTIONS” using those tiny refrigerator letter magnets.
  • Making his first career start, former reliever Daniel Bard gave up five disappointing runs in five-plus innings as the Red Sox lost to the Blue Jays 7-3. “THE MISSILE CRISIS!” Guillen screamed, loading up a flare gun that, seriously, nobody should have ever sold him.
  • Neftali Feliz, another former reliever, also made his first start, tossing seven shutout innings in a 1-0 Rangers win over the Mariners. Feliz, who is Dominican, received a confusing text message after the game asking whether he was “pro-Trujillo” and also whether he had $10,000 he could lend to a “baseball friend.”
  • Paul Pierce scored 27 points and Kevin Garnett added 24 as the Celtics topped the Heat 115-107. “OK, can we at least agree that Fidel is cooler than Kevin Garnett?” Guillen asked. “I mean, that guy sucks.” It would have been the most reasonable thing he said all day, if not for the fact that he was speaking to a cat he took from the street and named Che Guevara.
  • Sources indicate that Bill Parcells is unlikely to coach the New Orleans Saints this season, preferring to stay retired. “The embargo,” Guillen said, nodding with a strange calmness, petting the terrified cat.
  • The Washington Redskins met with both Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III, one of whom they’ll likely draft with the second pick on April 26. “Las policias del Distrito Federal estan ilegales, inhumanos, y inaceptables!” shouted Guillen, who had seriously gone over the deep end, marching around wearing a fake beard and fatigues. “Andrew Luck es el diablo, Roberto Griffin es Satan!”
  • Two days after Bubba Watson won the Masters using a pink driver, Ping is releasing 5,000 of the clubs for general sale. “I’m happy to see part of the proceeds go to charity,” said Watson. “Good karma will come to us all.” Shortly after the statement, a man dressed like Fidel Castro and screaming the word “Che!” threw a cat at his head and shot him in the elbow with a flare gun.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Andrew Luck, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Celtics, Boston Red Sox, Dallas Mavericks, Kevin Garnett, Miami Heat, Miami Marlins, New Orleans Saints, New York Yankees, Paul Pierce, Robert Griffin III, Texas Rangers, Toronto Blue Jays, Washington Redskins

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere