About Last Night: Ozzie’s Regime Ends

Ozzie GuillenIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Ozzie Guillen was fired as manager of the Miami Marlins, and team officials say his positive remarks about Fidel Castro played a contributing role. As he retreated from Miami into the remote Everglades of central Florida with only a small loyal band of 19 followers (including his brother Raul Guillen and Hanley “Che” Ramirez), Guillen vowed that his fight to dominate the Florida sports scene had only just begun. He was given a hero’s greeting by the Everglade peasants, and immediately set up a pirate radio station to broadcast his message into the homes of the people.
  • The NFL Players’ Association sent a letter to former commissioner Paul Tagliabue asking him to prove his neutrality before he serves as the appeals officer in the Saints bounty case. According to union sources, they want to put Tagliabue through a trial by ordeal in which multiple quarterbacks pelt him with footballs from close range. If he doesn’t bruise, that means his heart is pure and he is accepting of the football way of life. If he does bruise, it means he’s a witch.
  • Bears receiver Brandon Marshall tweeted that Ndamukong Suh’s hit on Jay Cutler was “not cool,” and he urged the Lions linebacker to “succeed with character.” In response, Suh punched Marshall’s Twitter icon repeatedly, destroying his mother’s computer.
  • Appearing on Costas Tonight, former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine accused David Ortiz of keeping himself out of the lineup late in the season despite having recovered from his injury. His suspicions began when he noticed that Ortiz’s locker room tap dance routines were becoming more elaborate and nimble in late August, and demonstrated a nearly professional level of grace and agility by mid-September.
  • San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced that Barry Zito will start Game 1 of the World Series, where he’ll face Tigers ace Justin Verlander. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I CANNOT SLEEP. I NO LONGER WANT TO DUEL ON FRIDAY, BUT HEZEKIAH THORN WILL NOT ACCEPT MY WITHDRAWAL. HE KEEPS SAYING I MUST FULFILL MY PART IN THE GOTHIC DRAMA AND THAT HE WILL CLEANSE ME SO THAT I AM AS PURE AS A CHILD WHO DOES NOT KNOW HIS FATE. ALL THIS LANGUAGE IS STARTING TO TERRIFY ME. AND BY THE WAY, FOR PEOPLE WHO ASK WHAT A ROBOT DUEL ENTAILS, IT MEANS WE ATTACK EACH OTHER WITH SCREWDRIVERS TO SEE WHO CAN SHORT THE OTHER ROBOT’S CIRCUITS FIRST. I WILL TRY TO JAM THE WINDMILLS THAT POWER HEZEKIAH AND HE WILL LIKELY LIGHT HIS SCREWDRIVER ON FIRE TO SET MY OIL AFLAME.”
  • Sources indicate that Cowboys linebacker Sean Lee may require surgery on his right toe that will keep him out for the rest of the year. “What makes it worse is that my backup career is as a foot model,” Lee said, looking despondent. “I minored in it at college and everything.” When asked whether he could just use his left foot, Lee’s face turned into a mask of rage. “Don’t be a f—ing idiot!” he yelled. “Who the hell wants a left-foot model! What is this, 1908?”
  • Javier Hernandez, a.k.a. Chicharito, scored two goals as Manchester United rallied to beat Braga 3-2 in Champions League action. And now, back by popular demand, it’s the robot who will duel Terrence on Friday, Hezekiah Thorn: “I was born on earth, I am fueled by wind, and I shall kill by fire. Thy name, Terrence, have I consumed letter by plangent letter until e’en now it sharpens and clarifies and emerges from the shadows of my seething brain. We have commenced the dance, Robot. We are enmeshed in the beautiful ghastly waltz of the duel. Thou wishest to leave the embrace, but I say unto thee, wouldst thou ask to be untethered from the very air? I am thy oxygen now, Terrence, and thou art my holy water. When thou hast escaped the mortal coil and vanished into the firmament, I shall do thee the solemn honor of gasping like the Parch’ed Prophet at thy going.”
  • Elsewhere in Champions League, Jordi Alba scored in the final minute of extra time to give Barcelona a 2-1 comeback win over Glasgow Celtic. With the goal, Jordi becomes the first stripper to tally a match-winning goal in international competition.
  • UConn women’s coach Geno Auriemma told reporters that he thinks the rims should be lowered in the women’s game. Everyone was willing to listen to his reasons, but as he described how the rims should be lowered all the way into the ground, duplicated in a triangle pattern, and placed on an incline with different values assigned to each rim, it became clear that Auriemma was advocating a giant version of skee-ball.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Barcelona, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Detroit Lions, Jay Cutler, Manchester United, Miami Marlins, Ndamukong Suh, San Francisco Giants, Uconn

headshot

Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere