In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- David Price struck out 10 batters over seven solid innings to earn his MLB-leading 14th win as the Rays routed the Orioles 10-1. “I don’t want to say I’m the reigning king of baseball or anything,” said Price after the game, “but man, read the papers.” He then took out a “newspaper” called the Price Gazette, which he had clearly made at home, and which featured a Photoshopped picture of the pitcher wearing a crown under the headline, “The Reigning King of Baseball.”
- Penn State president Rodney Erickson told Outside the Lines that if the school had not accepted the penalties imposed by the NCAA in the wake of the Sandusky scandal, they would have been subject to a four-year death penalty. “Instead, we got what the NCAA called ‘The Sandusky Penalty,'” said Erickson. “Where you’re ‘in jail’ for an extended period, so to speak, under a set of circumstances that encourages the other teams, or ‘inmates,’ if you will, to, uh … well, I’m not going to replicate their language, but I think we all understand what’s being said here.”
- The LSU Tigers went into uncharted territory yesterday when they offered football prospect Dylan Moses a scholarship despite the fact that Moses hasn’t even started eighth grade. According to sources, one of Moses’s main appeals for LSU is his vast collection of pokemon cards, which reportedly includes Misty’s Psyduck and an ultra-rare first edition Snorlax Level X.
- Jered Weaver battled through five decent innings to maintain the league’s lowest ERA and help the Angels beat the Royals 11-6. Speaking of regal headlines, yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the last time a newspaper used the word “Royal-ty” in a way that wasn’t meant to mock the team.
- After a slow start that saw them fall in a 2-0 hole, the U.S. women’s soccer team rallied in their first Olympic match to beat France 4-2. “As usual, we benefited from Abby Wambach’s steady stream of graphic threats and suggestive hand motions,” said U.S. coach Pia Sundhage. “It really wore them down.”
- Coco Crisp bashed two home runs to lead the red-hot Oakland A’s to a 16-0 drubbing of the Blue Jays and their seventh straight win. “Billy Beane whispered secrets in my ears that helped me hit home runs,” said Coco Crisp, in a strange lifeless monotone that seemed to indicate he was reciting the lines under coercion.
- Rafael Furcal hit a two-out RBI single in the 12th inning, giving the Cardinals a 3-2 walk-off win over the Dodgers. “Tony LaRussa whispered secrets in my ears that helped me get big hits,” said Furcal, who, as opposed to Crisp, was smiling brightly and delivering the lines with gusto. “Also,” he continued, “can you guys tell Tony that I miss him and that it hurts me when he doesn’t answer my phone calls?”
- Christian Hackenberg, the no. 1 quarterback prospect in the country and a player who committed to Penn State in February, will now revisit the school on a “fact-finding mission” to determine if he’ll honor the commitment. “I think I’ll bring a deerstalker hat and a magnifying glass. Why not have fun with it?” said Hackenberg. “But seriously, they can’t go to bowl games, they’re going to lose all their other recruits, and the program is basically dead after sheltering a pervert for a decade. I’m obviously out. People get that, right?”
- Stephen Strasburg allowed just one run in seven innings, striking out 11, as the Nationals finished a sweep of the Mets with a 5-2 win. In related news, Mets owner Fred Wilpon tackled the giant Teddy Roosevelt mascot during the Presidents Race, accusing him of “making Madoff possible.” As he began to attack the mascot, the man behind the costume could only scream, “I was a reformer!” in vain as he succumbed to the blows.