About Last Night: Oh, New York, Oh, New York, No

Jesse D. Garrabrant/NBAE/Getty Images

In case you were busy finding the perfect throwback NFL tie for your big media appearance, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • The Knicks continued their early-season troubles, as they fell 102-97 to the Charlotte Bobcats while losing defensive fulcrum Tyson Chandler to injury. “Oh this isn’t good, but don’t worry, this doesn’t dent my championship dreams,” said Knicks owner James Dolan, who then perked up and asked the reporter to read back what he’d just said. After she did, Dolan bobbed his head for a second before running out of the room so he could get his band together to record a new JD & the Straight Shot jazz fusion EP titled (This Don’t Dent) My Championship Dreams.
  • Paul George’s 31-point, 10-rebound performance was too much for the Pistons, as the Indiana Pacers continued their perfect start to the season with a 99-91 win. “It has been perfect, hasn’t it, season?” mused George to the season after the game. “That’s why I got you this,” George said as he pulled out a diamond pendant. The season dropped its head and turned away from a confused George, who asked, “What’s wrong? I thought you’d like it. Hey, tell me what’s up.” But the season didn’t need to talk, for it was written all over the season’s face: The Bulls were up next for the Pacers, and everything perfect was in jeopardy. George sat the season down, though, and told it, “Hey, I don’t expect you to be perfect. I just want you and me to have a great relationship all year long. Sure, we’ll both make things hard on each other. That’s the nature of being in a relationship. But we’ll fight through the ups and downs, and we’ll have a lot of fun. We just have to take the pressure of perfection away. Now here, let me put this necklace on you.” But George immediately faced a new problem: He was trying to put jewelry on a concept, and concepts don’t have necks.
  • The Philadelphia Flyers’ season continues to fall into disarray as they lost 2-1 to the Carolina Hurricanes in overtime. “You suck!” yelled Philadelphia superfan Christopher “Stuffy” McIntyre to his TV after Manny Malhotra’s breakaway winner. “You suck, Malhotra! You suck, Flyers! You suck, everybody! Everybody’s a loser. Everybody sucks.” McIntyre then turned off the TV, and saw himself wearing only a Keith Primeau jersey in its reflection. McIntyre took himself in for a moment, before yelling, “You suck! You suck, McIntyre! Put on some pants, you loser!”
  • The Seattle Mariners hired former Pirates skipper Lloyd McClendon as their new manager, as the team attempts to make the playoffs for the first time since 2001. Here at About Last Night, we usually don’t do a lot of on-the-street reporting, but let me tell you the excitement for this move in Seattle is palpable! “That’s cool, but what happened to Lou Piniella?” asked local fishmonger Tyler Stockwell when asked for his thoughts on the move. “I don’t know much about that, but Russell Wilson sure is great,” replied Seattle native Noah Ferron, badly mispronouncing Lloyd McClendon’s name. “Man, that’s a good IPA,” said Mariners fan Sarah Silas, accidentally succumbing to one of the telltale signs of Mariners fever: confusing the advanced statistical metric WPA, which tracks Win Probability Added, with the hoppy beer she was drinking at the time.
  • After an 89-hand heads-up battle with Jay Farber, Michigan native Ryan Riess took home the World Series of Poker main event bracelet and the tournament’s $8.4 million top prize. Riess credited his family, his faith, and Mike Napoli’s beard for his World Series success.
  • Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale both scored for Real Madrid, but Juventus managed to equalize late in front of their home fans in a 2-2 Champions League draw. “Good game, Ron,” Bale said to his teammate after the match. “Got the point we needed, huh? You want to check out the city now? I hear Turin is the home of Fiat, and its headquarters does tours. That’s what it says in my Not for Tourists guide, anyway. Then we can check out the Turin Cathedral, dedicated to John the Baptist. That’s what Jermain Defoe used to call John Terry when I was at Spurs. Only he’d say bastard instead of baptist. Hey, Ron, you wanna go? Maybe we can get some pizzas too? Hey, Ron? And maybe, I dunno, invite Iker, let him tell us some World Cup stories. I bet he has great World Cup stories. Hey, Ron? You ever won a World Cup? Have you? Hey! Hey, Ron! Why aren’t you looking at me? Ron!” But when Bale grabbed his teammate’s shoulder, it became clear Bale hadn’t been talking to Ronaldo at all, but instead a dummy stuffed with straw, with a head made out of a soccer ball with a low-res picture of Ronaldo’s face taped to it.
  • Three-time Olympian Ryan Lochte tore his MCL while attempting to catch an overly excited female fan on the street. However, you may not realize this is by no means the worst injury suffered by an American swimming star when approached by a female fan. Back in 1973, American swimming legend Mark Spitz was “The King of Cool in the Pool,” earning America’s affections with his seven–gold medal performance at the 1972 Munich Olympics. As a newly minted member of the A-List, Spitz, naturally, was present at the premiere of The Exorcist, the William Friedkin horror classic, at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, where he told reporters on the red carpet, “I’ve stared down the East German menace, I ain’t gonna be scared of no devil girl,” while combing his mustache. However, Spitz did not realize he would be seated directly in front of the film’s star, 14-year-old Linda Blair. Nor did Spitz know that Blair had become rapturously obsessed with him. Her walls were plastered with his face, and she had threatened to not do any publicity for the film unless she was seated near Spitz at its premiere. However, as often happens to teenage girls, Blair lost her nerve and couldn’t muster the courage to speak to her crush. Feelings she could barely understand were stirring inside her, however, and it was all she could do to stop herself from grabbing Spitz’s mustache from behind, just to, as she put it later, “feel its awesome power.” So when her will gave out during the climactic scene of the film — when her character, Regan MacNeil, is climbing on the ceiling of her room — and Blair reached forward, grabbing Spitz’s mustache with both her hands, the swimmer was startled. But when he turned around to see that it was the devil-child grabbing him, Spitz was so terrified that he screamed, “Off me beast!” and fell backward, tumbling over singer-songwriter Jackson Browne. Spitz tore the meniscus in his right knee and dislocated his shoulder, and would never win another Olympic medal. Things were worse for Blair, who, so deeply traumatized by hurting the only man she ever thought she would love, was tragically driven into the arms of one “Super Freak” Rick James.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Charlotte Bobcats, Cristiano Ronaldo, Indiana Pacers, New York Knicks, Paul George, Philadelphia Flyers, Real Madrid, Ryan Lochte, Seattle Mariners