About Last Night: No Fight in These Irish

Notre Dame mascotIn case you were out waiting for your turn to sing “Manic Monday” at your local karaoke bar, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Alabama hammered Notre Dame, 42-14, in the BCS championship to secure their third college football championship in the past four years. It was reported that the amount of self-satisfied nodding by middle-aged men wearing crimson polo shirts tucked into khaki shorts skyrocketed to dangerous levels by the end of the first quarter. Observers feared that Alabama’s exploits could lead to a superstorm of smugness in SEC country, but, fortunately, the thrashing Alabama delivered was so severe, the insufferable nodding quickly gave way to stoic close-lipped grinning, and potential disaster was averted as the Tide cruised to victory.
  • Despite their BCS Championship loss, Notre Dame fans had something to cheer about, as their men’s basketball team topped Cincinnati, 66-60. “We’re all just so happy to get a huge Big East win,” said smiling Notre Dame sophomore Alison Whitner as her facial muscles started to twitch. “Sure, that football game wasn’t the best, but my classmates and I are all totally satisfied getting one out of two. Football? Basketball? All the same to us here at Notre Dame. All the same to us … All … All … ” Whitner then fell deathly silent as a trickle of blood rolled down from her right nostril.
  • The Boston Celtics, led by a vintage performance from Paul Pierce, won a hard-fought battle with the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden, 102-96. After the game, All-Star forward Carmelo Anthony, who committed a technical foul in the fourth quarter in an altercation with Kevin Garnett, reportedly continued harassing Garnett in the bowels of the arena. Garnett, for his part, denied the altercation occurred, as he was embarrassed that he fell for the oldest trick in the book: the misdirection. See, while Anthony had Garnett distracted outside the locker room, former Celtic Rasheed Wallace, cannily disguised in his old uniform, snuck into the Boston locker room and stole Garnett’s prized stuffed elephant, Trunky. Expect the situation to escalate the next time these two teams meet.
  • The Oklahoma City Thunder lost on the road in upset fashion to Washington, 101-99 as Wizards rookie Bradley Beal nailed a game-winning jumper with 0.3 seconds left. Thunder coach Scott Brooks took responsibility for the loss, as his team was plum tuckered out from seeing all the national monuments earlier in the day. Shaking his head, Brooks explained, “I knew it was a bad idea to let Russell Westbrook climb up in the lap of Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial because he’d be all jittery for the game, but I just got excited seeing him so excited about history.” Brooks had already decided he wouldn’t be able to give his team that much leeway before their next game in Minneapolis, much to the disappointment of Kevin Martin, who’d been looking forward to some quality time at the famed Minneapolis Sculpture Garden.
  • The Los Angeles Lakers got more bad news as both Pau Gasol and Dwight Howard were ruled out indefinitely with injuries. When asked about his teammates’ absence and the impact it’ll have on the Lakers’ playoff chances, Kobe Bryant said, “I didn’t do it! Ask them. Ask them right now. Bring Pau and Dwight in here and ask them what happened. I promise you they won’t say a thing. Not a thing.”
  • Barcelona center forward Lionel Messi won his fourth consecutive Ballon d’Or, further solidifying his status as the top soccer player in the world. Real Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo, who finished second in the voting, also finished second in the Ballon d’Ro voting, a 15-year-old award given by Cristiano Ronaldo to the player who most embodies being Cristiano Ronaldo. Swedish striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic narrowly took first place.
  • The Duke Blue Devils Men’s Basketball team spent their fourth consecutive week at no. 1 in the AP poll, securing 62 of the 65 first-place votes. It was reported that the amount of overzealous high-fiving among Durham-area college-aged men who take the band Fun’s music seriously had reached dangerous levels. Observers feared that the Blue Devils’ exploits could lead to a destructive cyclone of obnoxiousness that would wreak havoc across the Atlantic coast. Fortunately, enough members of the same demographic based in Chapel Hill smugly reminded their Durham-based brethren of their recent defeat at the Belk Bowl, averting disaster by bringing the high-fiving back down to tolerably obnoxious levels.
  • The Hyundai Tournament of Champions, the first event of the PGA Tour season, teed off in Hawaii Monday, with Dustin Johnson taking an 18-hole lead at 11-under. The tournament, which was set to begin on Friday, was delayed for several days when Brandt Snedeker kept letting members of the public to play through, as he didn’t want to seem like a big-timer and risk losing touch with his humble golfing roots.
  • More injury reports emerged from Seattle’s wild-card win over the Washington Redskins Sunday, with Seahawks DE Chris Clemons diagnosed with a torn ACL and meniscus and Redskins QB Robert Griffin III with a partially torn ACL and LCL. In all, there were four major leg injuries in the game. When asked about the pitted surface at his team’s FedEx Field, Redskins owner Dan Snyder, bedecked in Groucho glasses, told the media in a preposterous old-timey voice, “You want the other Dan Snyder, see, the one who used to have all that rough-and-tumble public relations beeswax gumming up his reputation, before that Griffin kid came in and turned his franchise around. That Dan Snyder sure is swell these days. A real class act. Hope you find him. But he’s not me. I’m Dan Snyder the … uh … hamburger cooking guy. Yeah, hamburger cooker, you know, from the hamburger store, OVER THERE!” Snyder then pointed behind the assembled reporters, who fell for the oldest trick in the book: the misdirection. When the press pool turned back around, they found that Snyder had disappeared through a fire escape and was already making his getaway in a Studebaker station wagon.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alabama, Barcelona, Boston Celtics, Carmelo Anthony, Duke, Dwight Howard, Kevin Garnett, Lionel Messi, Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, Notre Dame, Oklahoma City Thunder, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, Robert Griffin Iii, Seattle Seahawks, Washington Redskins, Washington Wizards

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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