About Last Night: No Djoking Around in Australia
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Novak Djokovic advanced to the Australian Open final with a five-set victory over Andy Murray. On Sunday, he’ll face Rafael Nadal in a battle of the top two seeds. Meanwhile, Andy Murray remains confident that he’ll eventually win a major. “Hey, does anybody know the number of the guy who stabbed Monica Seles right before Graf started dominating?” he asked a room full of reporters. “A friend wanted to know.”
- At a Joe Paterno tribute, Nike CEO Phil Knight criticized the process by which Paterno was fired. “If there’s a villain in this tragedy,” he said, “it lies in that investigation and not in Joe Paterno’s response.” Later in his speech, Knight said that if there’s a comic relief character in this tragedy, it’s probably Crazy Scott Paterno, the protaganist’s son.
- Colts owner Jim Irsay was irked that Peyton Manning complained publicly about the franchise. “The horseshoe always comes first,” said Irsay, referring to the team logo. “You keep it in the family.” While he spoke, he was flanked by his wife and children, all of whom were bowed under the weight of the horseshoe necklaces he makes them wear in public.
- It has now been 14 years since Indiana won a game at the Kohl Center in Wisconsin. The no. 17 Hoosiers fell short yet again, losing 57-50 to the no. 25 Badgers in a game in which no player scored more than 13 points. “Yeah, man, Wisconsin’s a bummer,” said a sympathetic former NFL quarterback, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “I had to go to New York before I could really be myself. What’s your cell number, by the way?”
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have hired Rutgers’ Greg Schiano to be the team’s next head coach. According to sources, both teams will continue not to matter.
- Speaking at the Pro Bowl, Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis said the discord on this year’s team went “real deep.” “This goes to the highest levels, man,” he continued, nervously glancing around. “I’m talking city government, big business, and even the White House and China. Listen, you ever heard of the International Water Consortium? All I’m saying is, every time you drink tap water you’re writing your own death sentence.”
- Tom Brady promised Patriots owner Robert Kraft that he would play better in the Super Bowl than he did against Baltimore in the AFC championship. “See that you do,” it would have been awesome if Kraft said, wearing a bowler hat and speaking from the side of his mouth as he smoked a cigar.
- Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick said Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas’ decision not to visit the White House showed “a lack of grace.” Well maybe if Deval Patrick wants to see a real lack of grace, he SHOULD LOOK AT THE WAY OBAMA’S BEEN TAKING OUR LIBERTIES FOR FOUR YEARS! Hey, Tim Thomas, get away from my computer man, what the hell man don’t punch me NATIONAL COMMUNIST HEALTH CARE TRAITOR CHINA DEBT BIRTH CERTIFICATE I’m so sorry everyone I’m trying to stop him but BORN IN MUSLIMTOWN ACORN LOVING SON OF A okay, I distracted him by throwing some old papers out the window and saying it was a copy of the Constitution.
- A Yale quarterback who told reporters that he’d withdrawn his Rhodes scholarship candidacy in order to prepare for a football game against Harvard had actually been suspended from consideration due to accusations of sexual assault. “You interested in the law?” asked Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, in a phone call placed after the announcement.
Hey, you thought Fridays were great before? Well check this, dudes and dudettes: it’s time for PARTICIPATION FRIDAY! *Electric Guitar*
Every week, I ask you, the reader, for your submissions on a variety of topics. So far, we’ve done:
This week, I’d like to hear about the best excuse you’ve ever used. Or worst. Or most far-fetched or bizarre. You get the idea. Were you late for something? Did you get caught committing infidelities? Something weirder? Anything goes. It can even be a friend’s story if you’ve heard a real doozy second-hand. I want to hear from the world-class fibbers this weekend.
Send them in to email@example.com for a chance to become world famous by getting your name mentioned on Grantland this coming Monday. Also: Believe me, I know hard it is to keep stories brief, and while I enjoy reading the long emails, the ones that are on the shorter side (less than 200 words, say) do have a better chance of making the cut.
Good luck! Now I’m going to flee, because Tim Thomas realized those papers weren’t the Constitution and he’s coming back to kill me.