About Last Night: New Life for Rip City

In case you were busy realizing it’s going to be almost a year until the NFL draft is back, here are the top five stories you missed in sports on Monday:

In unexpected triumphs:

Damian Lillard and the Portland Trail Blazers topped San Antonio 103-92 to stave off their inevitable elimination from the NBA playoffs. “Who’s to say that just ’cause a team is down 3-0, anything is inevitable?” said still-drunk San Jose Sharks captain Joe Thornton. “If anything, anything’s possible. Just ask anyone. Or ask me, still-drunk Joe Thornton. And then buy still-drunk Joe Thornton a drink. Still-drunk Joe Thornton could use another drink.” When told that all that had already happened, still-drunk Joe Thornton apologized, saying, “Don’t mind me. I’m still-drunk Joe Thornton.”

In expected triumphs:

LeBron James scored 49 points as the Miami Heat took a commanding 3-1 lead in their Eastern Conference matchup with a 102-96 win over the Brooklyn Nets. The 49 points for James matched a career playoff high, leading many to ask whether will he ever get the monkey of not having scored 50 points in a playoff game off his back. I mean, can we truly call James an all-time great if he hasn’t scored 50 in a playoff game? Let’s look at who has 50 in a playoff game: Barkley, Iverson, Malone, Carter. We are talking about only true champions on that list, and none of them has even won a championship! Sorry, LeBron, but until you have accomplished more than non-champion champions, you’re just a champion non-champion.

In things that just got interesting:

Goalkeeper Carey Price came up big again for the Canadiens, who forced a Game 7 in their Eastern Conference semifinal with a 4-0 win over the Boston Bruins, while Anaheim held off a Los Angeles comeback to win 4-3 and grab a 3-2 series lead in their showdown with the Kings. “Oh, did the Kings not come back?” asked still-drunk Joe Thornton when told about the game. “Don’t call it a comeback, then. Don’t call this a comeback either. I been still drunk for years. LL still-drunk J. Ladies love still-drunk Joe.” Thornton then fell over and whispered, “Ladies don’t really love still-drunk Joe. Ladies all like, ‘Joe, stop being still drunk. Get over it. I need you to start helping around the house again.’ Ladies in this case are my wife.”

In nice things we can no longer have:

Marlins starter and reigning NL Rookie of the Year Jose Fernandez is feared out for the season after being diagnosed with a sprained UCL that will likely require Tommy John surgery. While this is a huge blow to the Marlins and all of Major League Baseball, if there is a silver lining, it’s that this injury represents one step toward Tracy McGrady, Major League pitcher … you’re right, there is no silver lining.

Also out are Yankees outfielder Carlos Beltran, who injured his elbow in batting practice, and starter CC Sabathia, who hit the 15-day DL with a knee injury that requires a consultation with Dr. James Andrews. The expected course of treatment for Sabathia? Tommy John surgery. And Beltran? Also Tommy John surgery. Retiring Yankees captain Derek Jeter? Tommy John surgery. And Yankees general manager Brian Cashman? Tommy John surgery. And Tommy John? Well he’s certainly going to need Tommy John surgery. Everybody’s getting Tommy John surgery. Feeling left out at home? Look under your seat. It’s a tiny Dr. James Andrews holding a tiny scalpel! You’re all getting Tommy John surgery! Tommy John surgery for all!

Filed Under: About Last Night, NHL Playoffs, NBA

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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