About Last Night: Mess With Texas

In case you were failing to come up with something clever to call Tuesday to go along with calling Wednesday ‘Wins-Day,’ here’s what you missed in sports last night:

  • Rumors suggest that Nick Saban could potentially replace Mack Brown as the head football coach at the University of Texas. One thing is for sure, that nobody is replacing Rick Barnes as Texas’s head basketball coach. That’s right, folks, it’s time for another installment of everyone’s favorite About Last Night recurring feature in which we remind America that Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Thus concludes another thrilling installment of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
  • In a showdown of Eastern Conference powers, the Pacers’ home-court advantage was too much for the Miami Heat, as Indiana earned a 90-84 win and improved to 10-0 at Bankers Life Fieldhouse. “Goddamnit,” Erik Spoelstra yelled during his postgame press conference as he pulled a measuring tape out of his pocket. “I knew I was forgetting to do something.” When asked what it was, Spoelstra replied, “You never come to Indiana without measuring the baskets; that’s a classic blunder and I blew it.” When asked if that was a reference to Hoosiers, Spoelstra said, “Yes, but not the movie. It’s the sneaky people of Indiana who subtly adjust basket heights to give their team an edge.”
  • Despite Kansas getting 26 points from freshman Andrew Wiggins, Florida was able to hold on late, beating the Jayhawks, 67-61, in Gainesville. Now, we here at About Last Night are all about fostering debate, but in this case the debate is already over: Andrew Wiggins cannot win the big one. Everybody wants to go out and crown the kid, and it’s pretty clear that his head is big enough for the crown, but he’s too busy holding a scepter and sitting on a throne to carry his team to greatness. I’m sorry, but stats don’t make the man, rings do, and this Wiggins kid thinks he doesn’t have to pay an estate tax to sit on the throne. Now you Jayhawks fans are probably wigging out, saying it’s too early to write off a kid with Wiggins’s talent, and to that we say hogwash. You’re either born a winner like two-time NBA champion LeBron James or Masters legend Phil Mickelson, or you are doomed to lose forever. So here’s a memo to all you NBA GMs out there: Don’t ruin your brand(rew) for Andrew; you’re better off seeing what Randle can handle.
  • The Los Angeles Angels made a move for the future, exchanging Mark Trumbo for Tyler Skaggs in a three-team trade with the Diamondbacks and White Sox. The move also opens the door for Anaheim-based, third-wave ska band Mark Trumbone to rename themselves Boss Skaggs and pick up a guitarist to be named later.
  • Latvian teenager Zemgus Girgensons was the hero for the Sabres, who edged the Senators in a 10-round shootout. “As we say in Latvia, ‘The fruited tree did not die tonight,’” Girgensons said after the game, confusing everyone. When asked to give his statement some context, Girgensons added, “‘The green grass showers vertically,’ I think you would say in English, or maybe it’s better said as, ‘The itch that is beetles, is rarely three pieces of textile.’ No matter how you say it, tonight went unclenchingly.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Indiana Pacers, Miami Heat, MLB, NBA, Nick Saban

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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