In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Manny Ramirez is back! The former Red Sox slugger has signed a deal with the Oakland Athletics, and will be eligible to play on May 30, his 40th birthday, after serving a 50-game suspension for violating MLB’s drug policy. In the meantime, he plans to sit in the dugout and ask his teammates unsettling questions like: “Dude … what do you think is the slowest way to die?”
• In Carmelo Anthony’s return from injury, Deron Williams lit up Jeremy Lin for 38 points as the Nets topped the Knicks 100-92. Anthony pulled Lin aside after the game, saying, “‘Faith, that was not so well; yet would I knew that stroke would prove the worst!” and was about to continue until Lin was like, “Yo, Melo, stop quoting Iago to me or I’m going to get super f***ing suspicious over here.”
• Rajon Rondo has been suspended for two games after throwing a ball at an official and hitting him in the chest on Sunday. OH, SO NOW WE CAN GET SUSPENDED BECAUSE A REFEREE CAN’T CATCH?! GREAT, AMERICA. FANTASTIC. (Full disclosure: I am a paid member of Rajon Rondo’s PR team.)
• Quarterback Robert Griffin III will not throw at the NFL scouting combine this week, and will instead wait to showcase that particular skill in late March. I don’t mean to be cynical, but there’s simply no place in the NFL for a devout Christian Heisman Trophy winner who can’t throw.
• Trail Blazers center Greg Oden was undergoing minor surgery when a doctor discovered additional damage and performed microfracture surgery, which will keep him out for the rest of this season. The procedure will surely hurt Oden’s future earning abilities, but the silver lining is that starting in April, he’ll be eligible for Social Security.
• Shabazz Napier hit a 3-pointer with one second left to play in overtime to give Connecticut a much-needed 73-70 win over Villanova. The victory will undoubtedly give Napier more fodder for Shabazz!, the basketball-themed musical he’s writing with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• Quincy Acy scored 22 points and grabbed 16 boards as no. 14 Baylor righted the ship with a 77-72 win over Texas. Quincy Miller, who has always wanted to be the team’s best Quincy, sat brooding by himself after the game, saying, “It is engender’d — hell and night / must bring this monstrous birth to the world’s light.” “Hey man,” said Acy, after overhearing Miller. “I don’t want to pry, but I feel like I’ve heard you quoting Iago quite a bit lately …”
• In order to avoid serious injury, Giants catcher Buster Posey has been directed not to block the plate, and to apply a swipe tag on runners instead. “That’s no big deal,” Marlins outfielder Scott Cousins said. “I can violently collide with him wherever he wants to stand.”
• Albert Pujols showed up a week early at the Angels’ spring training facility in Tempe, Arizona. “He’s excited like a little kid,” said his friend and strength coach Chris Mihlfeld, who proved prophetic when Pujols was arrested for stealing a toy fire truck from a 7-year-old later that day.