In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Linside the Air Canada Centre lin Toronto, the lindomitable Jeremy Lin linitiated the offense. Raptors defender Jose Calderon had a linkling — lindeed, a lincredibly strong linference — that a linstantaneous drive was linevitable. “He’s not so linventive,” Calderon linsisted, linternalizing his lincessant doubt. Linstead, Lin lincapacitated the linattentive Calderon with a lintrepid game-winning 3-pointer. “Linsubordinate lincorrigible lingrate!” a lincensed Amar’e Stoudemire linsisted, lindulging in linvective and linnuendo. “How linteresting!” linterjected the linoffensive Canadians. “Linspired!” Coach Mike D’Antoni lintimated to his lintermediaries. “A LINCANDESCENT, LINVIGORATING SHOT TO LINVOKE GHOSTS, LINCITE RIOTS, AND LINFLAME THE MASSES!” shouted the announcer, and everyone was like, whoa, dude, enough.
- After sleeping on his brother’s couch at the start of his Knicks career, Jeremy Lin finally moved into his own apartment. Within a few hours of settling in, he’d done so much with the place that it will be featured in Good Housekeeping‘s “Best Homes of the Year” issue next month.
- Shaquille O’Neal said it would be a “travesty” if Dwight Howard left the Orlando Magic. When it was pointed out that Shaq had left Orlando early in his own career, he nodded. “Like I said, a travesty,” Shaq said. “The opposite of tragedy.” Then he bit into a doughnut that was somehow 10 times the size of a normal doughnut.
- LeBron James scored 23 points and grabbed nine boards as the Heat topped the Pacers 105-90 and became the first NBA team to win three road games in three straight days in 33 years. THREES! ALL THREES! THE PROPHETS HAVE SPAKE IT AND LO IT COMETH TRUE! LEBRON IS THE THIRD SON OF THE MOST HIGH DEITY, DESCENDED IN WRATH TO JUDGE THE LIVING! TREMBLE, YE SON OF MEN, FOR — oh wait, hold on no, it was four. Four was the number. Sorry.
- The Detroit Red Wings set an NHL record by winning their 21st straight home game, beating the Dallas Stars, 3-1. It would be too easy to make a Detroit joke here, but I won’t insult your intelligence. You deserve more creativity, so here goes: Most of those 21 wins were forfeits, because nobody wants to set foot in that urban hellhole. (Oops.)
- West Virginia settled its lawsuit with the Big East, agreeing to pay $11 million to the conference in order to join the Big 12 this summer. Now that I think about it, I was sort of the “Big East” of my middle school, in the sense that I would extract ransoms from girls in exchange for not asking them out. And just like the Big East looked west for new teams, I would go in chat rooms after school and pretend to be a surfer who just popped in for a few minutes before he hit the waves. And just like commissioner John Marinatto, I would finish the day by crying myself to sleep.
- Hank Thorns scored 32 points, including eight in overtime, as TCU upset no. 11 UNLV 102-97. After the game, as the custodians cleaned up the blood from the floor, many pundits and fans questioned whether the Thorn People should be allowed to play basketball at all.
- Colts owner Jim Irsay is planning to meet with Peyton Manning next week, but insisted that the decision to stay with Indianapolis will be Manning’s entirely. “I can’t wait to greet ole Pey-Pey with a good, brusque headlock!” Irsay said, laughing so hard he became hysterical.
- Sources close to the Yankees said that a deal with the Pirates involving A.J. Burnett is 50-50 at the moment, though New York expects Pittsburgh to sweeten its offer. As of press time, Pirate representatives were desperately scouring the city and team for anything that could even remotely be described as “sweet.”