About Last Night: Legend of the Fister

Rick Osentoski/US Presswire

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Doug Fister gave up just two runs in seven and one-third innings as the Detroit Tigers pulled to within a game of Texas with a 5-2 win. “This is the second time a Fister has ruined my night,” said Texas outfielder Josh Hamilton. “I’d rather not talk about the first.”

  • According to reports, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein is on the verge of leaving Boston for a job with the Chicago Cubs. Apparently breaking the curse of one insufferable team wasn’t enough for Epstein, who seriously needs to stop acting like a douche.
  • Broncos head coach John Fox has announced that Tim Tebow is the team’s new starting quarterback. After the announcement was made, reporters asked Fox why he hired a choir to sing Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” at the press conference. “I didn’t hire them,” said Fox. “Those are angels.”
  • A source has indicated that due to a positive test for marijuana and alcohol, South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia has been dismissed from the team. The AP received a text message from Garcia that said he was “shocked and completely flabbergasted” by the move. The text was actually intended for close family, but was intercepted pretty easily.
  • Jurgen Klinsmann is now 1-3-1 as the U.S. men’s national team head coach after a 1-0 exhibition loss to Ecuador. Incidentally, 1-3-1 is also Klinsmann’s favorite tactical formation.
  • National Basketball Players Association president Billy Hunter will meet with players this Friday to discuss the current state of labor negotiations with the owners. Hunter hasn’t quite finalized his speech, but he has settled on a first line: “Are you guys married to this whole ‘basketball’ idea?”
  • The U.S. women routed Russia to take the gold medal at the world gymnastics championships and establish themselves as favorites for the London Olympics. The Russian women, meanwhile, have established themselves as favorites to be poisoned by government plutonium.
  • Joe Girardi told reporters that the biggest priority for the Yankees this offseason is starting pitching. He went on to say that the biggest priority for Joe Girardi would be a nice, long massage. “Any takers?” he asked the room full of writers. “Who’s got those magic fingers?”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Denver Broncos, Detroit Tigers, Jurgen Klinsmann, NBA Lockout, New York Yankees, NFL, Texas Rangers, Tim Tebow

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere