About Last Night: LeBron’s Style Will Not Be Cramped

Lebron JamesIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • Despite some lingering soreness from cramps that kept him out at the end of Game 4, LeBron James expects to play in Thursday’s Game 5. Unfortunately, this probably means he’s out for the big swimming relay race at small-town Indiana’s Lake Martin, where he planned to show up unannounced and help young Todd Mulberry win the race, and with it the heart of the prettiest girl in school, Wanda Tyler, who currently dates Blaine Sparks, the blond rich kid who always rides around in his fancy boat sneering at poor people and who has now won the big swimming relay race five years in a row with his asshole sidekick Luke Denvers.
  • BCS commissioners reached a consensus on a four-team college football playoff model, set to debut in 2014. “We’re pleased to announce that after long deliberation and hours of healthy debate, the model we’ve chosen is Heidi Klum!” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, who then waited for thunderous applause.
  • Jason Heyward hit two of the record nine home runs allowed yesterday afternoon at Yankee Stadium as the Braves beat the Yankees 10-5. “I guess it doesn’t mess them up as much as I thought it would to throw it underhand,” said Yankees starter Phil Hughes, who leads the major leagues in home runs allowed. “I’ll have to try throwing underhand and then squawking like an egret.”
  • Dillon Gee pitched 7.1 strong innings as the Mets completed a sweep of the Orioles with a 4-3 win. Despite the strong start, Dillon Gee is a really stupid name. I’m sorry, but it is. I don’t know if this is the right forum to say so, but I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. Every time I see the words “Dillon” and “Gee” strung back-to-back, I get angry. It makes me so mad and I just think, who would ever give their kid such a stupid name? I know I’m making a fool of myself here, and I should be quiet, but I swear this isn’t one of my episodes. Don’t look at me like that, guys. I’m fine. No. It’s a stupid name, that’s all. I’m calm. But Dillon Gee? Come on, this is worth fighting for. Put down the phone. I’m not going back there. The people don’t care about you, man! They don’t understand! This isn’t my fault! This is about Dillon Gee and his stupid name! Why is he allowed to run free? ARE THOSE SIRENS I HEAR?! Doesn’t anyone agree with me about this NAME?
  • An error by Rockies first baseman Todd Helton, who failed to touch first after receiving a throw from shortstop, gave the Phillies a 7-6 walk-off win. “I reject the tyranny of first base!” said Helton, a far-left reactionary in the under-explored world of baseball politics.
  • A WBO review of the Pacquiao-Bradley fight ended with all five judges scoring the fight for Pacquiao, though the original result will stand. “We just wanted to make sure Timothy Bradley gets no pleasure from anything,” said judge Sherman Foles, who will picket Bradley’s home for the next week with a sign that reads, “You let down your whole family.”
  • Stephen Strasburg struck out 10 over seven solid innings, leading the Nationals to a 3-2 win over the Rays. Meanwhile, the war of words that began with Joel Peralta’s ejection for having pine tar on his glove escalated, with Joe Maddon calling Davey Johnson “underhanded,” and Johnson calling Maddon a “weird wuss.” The Council of Weird Wusses (T-CoWW) immediately released a joint statement through Bill Gates and Dennis Kucinich, calling Johnson “an uninformed bigot whose ignorant words cannot be distinguished from the gravitational singularity at the center of a black hole, heh-heh-heh-heh.”
  • Celtics president of operations Danny Ainge spoke with Kevin Garnett and confirmed that the star center needs more time before he decides whether he’ll retire or return to the Celtics. “His face is still stuck in a terrifying rictus from the months of screaming at other players,” said Ainge. “It’ll be a good month before he can speak without sounding like the star of a saccharine Lifetime movie about some kid with a weird disability. Hey, actually, don’t print that.”
  • Penguins star Evgeni Malkin won the Hart Trophy as the NHL’s most valuable player. Meanwhile, Ralph Pucksy Jr. won the award for most valuable puck, which, frankly, is total bullshit, because the only reason he got the job in the first place was because his dad, Ralph Pucksy, is a puck legend who also has significant influence with the puck governing body. But it was nice to see Terrence Zamboni receive a memorial slideshow after a squid got stuck in his guts in April.
  • The defense rested in the Jerry Sandusky case without putting Sandusky on the stand. “We thought about it,” said Sandusky’s lawyer, Joe Amendola, “but he kind of has a pedophile voice, you know what I mean? Sort of smiley and creepily calm, or something. Really just gives you the shivers. Hey, actually, don’t print that.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Braves, Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, NBA Finals, New York Mets, New York Yankees, Penn State, Stephen Strasburg

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere